Om Namah Shivaya


Thursday, July 15, 2010

"i just can't do it today"...

Those that know me know that when it comes to my passions in life it's incredibly hard for me to say "No, I'm sorry. I just can't do that today/be there for you/help you with that/etc..." and never before in my life have I had to say this more than since this whole ridiculous journey began. I know I'm not letting people down, I know everyone wants me to take care of myself, but I hate having to cancel Drum Line rehearsal because "I just can't do it today". Whether it be due to nausea, body aches, fatigue, or this *really stupid* rib-head situation I absolutely hate it. It's taking the one thing I am extremely passionate about out of my control and making me say *stop*. Bastards. I hope my kids know that I wish more than anything that this wasn't happening and wasn't affecting me in this manner. I wish they knew how long it takes me to come to the decision to cancel rehearsal. The conversation, or rather, argument that takes place in my head and even when the tired and hurting part of me decides it's time to say "I just can't do it today..." the other part yells "YES YOU CAN! YOU CAN PERSEVERE! Push through it, come on Stout, you're tough, push thorough it cause you got a LOT to do in a short amount of time, let's GO!..." and the argument starts all over. It can get quite tiring really. I hope they know that I wish I could be there with every fiber of my being but, "I just can't do it today..."


  1. I know they are amazing kids and love you more than anything, they understand I promise they do. I think they would be very upset with you if you did go and they knew how much pain you were in.Take your time to rest and that way when you are there you will fully be there even if it is one day a week!

  2. when you wake up each morning do you remember who you are? do you know yourself like before when you were allowed to be a perfectionist, overachiever and listen to your own voice? keep singing your song. no one gets to be as beautiful as you. i love you.

  3. in all honesty christina, theres no room for insecurities. let me be the weak one trust me. you you you you you whoever that is but we both know

  4. you father didn't make you strong just like that. it was your longing for and fear of love controlling you. i will never control you. i didn't create you and not even he does that. your not gonna stop because if you do you'll never be strong, ever. you'll be someone else. i think my wording is off. but i'm trying my hardest for you. i promise. i pledge my life to you, i'll go on just to see you lost me on the 22nd. i promise i'll be watching.