Om Namah Shivaya


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Goodbye to my dream

I've said goodbye and its not easy to do. I've swallowed my pride and put my dream aside to take a different path. Had you met me ten years ago, this direction I am taking, I would have scoffed at. I would have said "You're crazy! I'm not going to do that!"...but time has worn me down and I have realized its for the best. I didn't land somewhere with someone who would help me realize my dream and I let to much time slip away from me as I stewed about in a pool of frustration day in and day out.

I bit my tongue, I hid my face and silently prayed for the day that would be mine. I prayed for a time for me to shine and to do what I knew was best, but it wasn't to be. For whatever reason, the divine spirits that reside above have seen fit to push me down a different path and while I am grateful for the opportunity, it's extremely sad to see the dream go. 

"Think positively" they say. "Don't give up" they yell. "Your time will come" they champion; but what they don't know is that it's passed me by. I feel it, deep down inside and I know it to be true. 

Maybe I should have studied harder in school. Maybe I should have finished my Master's degree before taking that first job, maybe I should have subbed for a while. Maybe, maybe, maybe. All the maybes in the world won't change the fact that my dream is now an empty whisper thrown to the winds and gone just as fast. 

My heart breaks and my soul cries right now and that's okay. I am allowed to grieve because no one knows how much it hurts except me.  No one will ever know the heartache, the tears spilled silently behind closed doors, the frustration pounding in every fiber of my being, or the overwhelming sense of loss I feel. 

I know that in the end it will be okay and I will continue to do wonderful things and touch many students lives in the process; but maybe, *just* maybe this new path will take me to where I want to be. 

I certainly hope so.