A woman is God's gift to man. She's strong, powerful, and full of life. A woan knows when to let loose and be wild, but she also knows when to have her guard up and be the support system for those she cares about. A woman is prepared for an and all things; but what happens when something slips under her radar? Something that is deadly and life threatening that can remove her from her duties. She does not like to be away from those that need her for more than a few seconds. It is almost like being trapped inside of a transparent cell and seeing her babies struggle, and knowing she can't help until she has the strength to break down the walls.
Since the beginning of time women have been seen as weak and one to follow orders, but that was just a front that they put up to hide their true selves. Only if you knew what they were thinking. Oh, the mind of a woman. The things she comes up with. Gears constantly turning in her brain whether awake or sleeping. when she dreams she schemes. Her thoughts are never ceased until the moment she takes her last breath, and even then it only falters for a moment. When in spirit she still makes it her job to watch over and protect.
She fights any and everything that may cause harm to her or her loved ones. She is a fierce machine that will never give up the battle until she is victorious. So again I ask: what happens when something slips under her radar and causes her to half halt her journey?
Well for one thing she gets pissed. She wonders what type of person or thing would have the balls to try and stop her. She doesn't believe anything would even dare to stand in the way of what she has to do. So you better believe that a little thing such as cancer will send her into a rage that would scare the hell out of the devil. She'll fight fire with fire until it is defeated. Chemo is just like a mother threatening to "tap dat butt" when her child is throwing a temper tantrum. The hair loss is just reason to try something new and come back badder than ever. Being gone is just the vacation that has been needed for a long time and being tired, well hell who isn't these days?
There's never been a day where you are never there for the people that need you and there will never be a day where there is no one there to:
*hold you when you want to cry
*listen when you want to talk
*duck when you feel like throwing something, and
*when you're screaming at the top of your lungs, stand in front of the door and say, "Dawg don't go in there, this lady is crazy!"
You always have our backs and now here' sour chance to have yours.
A woman with breast cancer will take that lump, look it dead in its ugly little face and say, "You ain't gon' be here for long, cause I'll fight you with every ounce of my strength, and I will kick your ass!"
-Chonte Woods
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This was written for me by one of our trumpet players, Chonte. No words can say how wonderful this gift is. Thank you Chonte. I will treasure it always.
"Uh, Hi...this is Tom with the MRI department at KU Med. I need to speak with you regarding your breast MRI...we need to go over your medical history and some safety instructions. If you could please call me at...."
I swear I've heard that message from Tom at least three times, and now he's calling me about the abdomen MRI next Wednesday. And I'm sorry but what's this stuff about safety instructions? What in goodness name could happen that I need *safety* instructions!?
Turns out it's nothing I need to worry about. Turns out Tom's a nice guy to talk to on the phone; I wonder if I'll get to meet him sometime.
*****
So I get there early and sit in the hallway contemplating what this is going to be like. You have to remember that every single test I have done and every test I will do in the future are brand new to me. So I was a little startled when the MRI began and it felt like I was inside the Emergency Broadcasting System. :)
They gave me the rockin' blue robe to wear (apparently there are different robes/colors for different procedures; makes sense) then took me back for an IV. Again. This is really beginning to make me want that port surgery; I've been stuck at least 7 times so far and have probably two or three more before that surgery is done. *Sheesh*
Anyways they take you back to a room with a very large machine that kind of had a "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" sound going on in the background. You lay face down on a table that has two holes cut for your boobies to hang in. They then push something, I'm not sure what, against either side of your chest, and then put earplugs in your ears telling you "It can get kind of loud in there".
Um, okay...
So then the MRI guy (sorry MRI guy, I've forgotten your name) tells me that I just need to relax and not move and that he will talk to me through the intercom to tell me how long each scan is. They put an "emergency" squeeze ball in my hand and left the room. I hear the MRI guy's voice click in...
"You ready?"
*thumbs up from me*
"Okay. First scan is 30 seconds"
***WAH***WAH***WAH***WAH***
I damn near jumped out of my skin!!! That was NOT what I was expecting. I don't know what I was expecting, exactly, but I sure know it wasn't that!
"Second scan is 2 minutes"
***TUEY*TUEY*TUEY*TUEY*TUEY***WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH***
Holy carp! This was craziness! Hahahhaha!!! I literally felt like I was inside the Emergency Broadcasting System. I was half expecting the MRI guy to come over the intercom saying "This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System. This was only a test". Hahahhaha!!!!
I will admit that on a couple of the longer scans I dozed off. Especially two of them that were the same sound in a consistent rhythmic pattern the entire length of time. Those lullled me off to a quiet place so that was nice.
This entire scan took about 30 minutes and it wasn't until the last 5 minutes or so that I began to get uncomfortable. It was a slightly uncomfortable position to lay down in in the first place; face down, arms above head, boobies hanging down, and a slight bend in the table right under your abdomen applying pressure on the bladder. Yeah, that was fun. Then my right shoulder started to hurt and my hand started to go to sleep. Thankfully they were done before I started fidgeting cause it would've happened.
Later this upcoming week is another MRI (at least I'll know what to expect this time!), a lymph-node biopsy, and the first chemo session with a Neulasta shot the next day. That's gonna be fun. Then the countdown to no hair will begin. Yessssssss.......*pumps fist in air*
So I've always wanted to start a nonprofit/foundation for Breast Cancer and I believe the universe is telling me that *now* is the time. The name of it will be Drummin' for a Cure; The Stout Foundation. My ultimate goal for the large fundraiser for it is to have a metro wide Drum Line competition hosted by my school. Obviously that goal is a ways off, so for now we are going to start simply. We are going to start by selling T-shirts, pink snare sticks, and pink swirl silicone wristbands. There will be two shirts
1) "Drummin' for a Cure" across the top with a picture of a bass drum w/a pink ribbon inside
2) "Marchin' for Mama Stout" across the top, don't know what else yet on it. Waiting for this artwork to get to me.
They will both be the classic breast cancer pink, tye-dyed in hot pink. Prices TBD once I get the artwork to a tshirt company.
The pink snare sticks will sell for $15 a pair. You may begin to order these at any time. For right now I would appreciate cash, but if you must write a check make it out to me, Emily Stout.
The pink wrist bands will sell for $2 a piece. Those are currently on their way to me. They are pink swirl silicone bracelets with "Kickin' Cancer's A$$" embossed on them. My name might also be on them as well. You may order those at any time as well.
IF you need me to ship any of these items to you, simply include a few extra bucks for shipping please and of course your address.
That's it for now! Let's get this foundation going!!!!!!
For those interested parties, chemo starts next Friday. Many tests lined up between now and then. I will be posting my schedule of chemo up on mypinkplanner.com. If you re interested in helping out with chemo appointments this will give you the chance to sign up for them in advance. You are also more than welcome to call/text me. I appreciate all of the help we can get.
to everything there is the opposite. so this is the page for what I am grateful for...
*my husband
*my family
*my inlaws
*our friends
*my girlfriends
*my dogs
*my life
*my job
*my drum line kids
*catching it early
*yoga
*my band kids
*having humor and sarcasm
*taking it all with a grain of salt
*the fabulous shoes that Bob, Britney, Evie and Luke sent me
*the GORGEOUS scarves all my girlfriends gave me
*the beautiful plant my girlfriends gave me
*not having any cancer (that they can see) anywhere else in my body
*finally getting started with this whole chemo thing cause the sooner we start the sooner we're done
*going for a walk this morning
*sleeping well last night
*enjoying a cup of coffee on a quiet sunday morning
*Lilly-dog snuggled up at my feet on this quiet sunday morning
*Buck-dog still upstairs in bed (*yes!)
*feeling like I can actually get some yoga done today
*taking control and shaving off my hair. so glad my head doesn't hurt anymore.
*getting closer to setting up my foundation
haha....this shall be my ongoing post of things that suck. at any moment at any time I will post to this.
*finding a lump
*being told it's breast cancer
*knowing that we haven't even begun this journey
*knowing I'm going to lose my hair
*the uncertainty around it all
*knowing that I'm not going to be able to do everything I want to do this marching season
*feeling helpless
*being pissed off at the universe
*not being able to do hot yoga during chemo
*knowing that cancer terms are about to become an embedded part of my vocabulary
*having to have to tell everyone from my principal down to my kids
*the fact that it's still dirty dog time of the year...I'm tired of dirty dog time!!!! hahahaha!!
*the fact that my hubby had a cold sore right now and so I can't get any kisses
*the fact that I think I'm getting a cold sore
*the fact that I start chemo next Friday
*the fact that I'm going to lose my hair...
*taking the first chemo drug last night
*realizing that chemo day is here
*not being able to go for a run because my biopsy site is still a touch tender
*not knowing how I'm going to feel when I get home today
*being officially bald
*the body aches
*the nausea
*having to avoid crowds
*having to do my own freaking pedicures
*waking up at 530 on a Sunday morning feeling nauseous
*the fatigue (although I am a big fan of naps anyways so this is slightly okay)
Damn. She told me something I didn't want to hear; I can't work at Granite City while going through chemotherapy. *sigh* that sucks big time. I know, I know, I know.....my life is more important than a job...I have my whole life to work...I shouldn't worry about the money...well folks *NEWS FLASH* I do worry about those things and I KNOW (*trust me* I KNOW) my life is more important than a job..and it's not so much the job I'm going to miss as the people; my regulars and my friends. I was really honestly hoping that bartending would be one of those *normal* things I could hold onto throughout this whole experience.
What the truck am I gonna do on the weekends for six months?
***************
Today's the day. My last shift at GC behind the bar until I'm done with chemo and I'm released by my doctor to go back and have my "triumphant return". This is gonna be weird. It was already weird enough yesterday having to tell some of my regulars what was going on and *why* I wouldn't be back behind the bar. Pete cried, Rick and Linda looked shocked, and Ben was dumbfounded.
I am truly going to miss bartending at GC. It was one of those things that even though it could be a pain in the rear at times, and other times I was so tired from working 7 days a week I could scream, it was one of those things that I really truly enjoyed doing. I never lied when I said "I do this for fun. If it wasn't fun, I wouldn't do it".
*sigh* I'm gonna miss you GC; Dana....take good care of the bar while I'm gone. <3
