Om Namah Shivaya


Monday, November 15, 2010

Loss of control...

Raise your hand if you're a control freak like me *raises hand*. I always knew that I'm the type of person who likes having my life go a certain way...who doesn't? Things have their place, your day has a schedule, a routine to it, and even the evenings follow a similar pattern night after night. I knew that when the diagnosis of "Breast Cancer" came down that things were going to have to find a new pattern...a new routine. Fine. I'm okay with that. We were able to find a new routine, a new pattern...albeit it's not the one *I* would have chosen, but it's worked fine so far. What I'm *not* okay with is days like this that keep me from school and from my kids...random unscheduled days where you wake up going "Good *Lord* what is that pain? Where is it coming from? What's happening?!" and instead of being able to get up and get moving and get to school to do my job, I have to instead sit here at home with ice on and off and back on the valium...what a way to start your work week huh? Sheesh-a-me.

The sensation of losing control over what it is you have planned for the day (as in I was supposed to finish up the 8th grade playing test today and introduce some new concepts to my 5th graders and get my percussion kids running on the holiday music) can be so incredibly frustrating because then you have to come up with a NEW plan on-top of the one you already had in place. *sigh* It's just so stupid. It's all just so friggin' stupid. I can't wait for it to be all over. ALL of it...not just the next phase...ALL of it.

I just keep saying "January...January...January..." to myself. By then this should all be over and I should be able to get back into my *old* routine of living life just like I need to to accomplish that which I hope to accomplish. To take care of my hubby the way he deserves, to play with the doggies each day again, to not miss a day of school again because of *cancer*, and to start taking care of myself again in the way that I *so* much need and deserve. In the mean time I'll just keep trying to catch that run-away train that I've been running after since I returned from surgery and just keep doing the best that I can. I guess that's really all I can do.


1 comment:

  1. Woman, you are so driven! Never mind January. Live today. You are what you do, I agree, but you are also what you think/see/remember/have experienced. Please slow down and learn to give yourself a break. Stop accomplishing for a wee while and start breathing.