Om Namah Shivaya


Monday, January 17, 2011

New Year, New Title, New Me.

When I first set this blog up I had in mind a blog about my "spontaneous evolution" in relation to 2012, then wound up blogging about my cancer journey instead.  I was disappointed at first, and it wasn't until today, as I have been sitting here deciding what to rename my blog, that I realized that I *have* spontaneously evolved.  I am a different person from before cancer.  I still have and maintain the root core of my essence, what makes me *me*, but I've changed...I've evolved, and it *was* spontaneous cause it sure wasn't like I decided to get breast cancer. ;) 

The most notable difference/evolution is my outward physical appearance.  My hair is different, it's a light brunette with a wonderful gray patch, and obviously very short.  My face is different; there's a new line here or there that wasn't before cancer.  Obviously my chest is different and that also extends to my arms.  The mastectomy took away some of my range of motion, especially on my right side so I have to move differently at times and I will *always* have to be conscious of my right side due to the missing lymph-nodes.  Last thing I want is lymphadema because I torqued my right arm out doing something I shouldn't have.  I also feel that I walk with a bit more awareness of the world around me now than I did before.

I have evolved inwardly as well.  I'm not as quick to anger and frustration as I was before, it has now been replaced with a sense of well being and the thought "What will be will be.  I can't control it or change it so I might as well embrace it."  I've learned to say "I can't do that right now", otherwise known as "No"...this is *huge* for me.  Before, I tried to split myself into a million different directions and was always trying to please priorities are in place.  I gave up my second job which has freed up time to spend with Tim, family and friends.  This is enriching my life one hundred fold.  It has also renewed my energy and my spirit because I now have time for *me* and the energy for everything and everyone else.  I'm also more committed to my career; not that I wasn't before, but I'm more committed now because I'm really feeling that sense of peace and well-being surrounding it.  I can't wait until next year begins with DL rehearsals in the summer!  I'm going to be 1000% back to normal so my kids better watch out!  You think we're great ain't seen *nothin'* yet!  Ha!

The next stage of my evolution is on the horizon.  I am attending MMEA at the end of the month down at Tan-Tar-A.  This is my professional conference (Missouri Music Educator's Association) and a fabulous opportunity for me to just immerse myself in all things music for 3 days.  The biggest step I am taking is to sit through the MSHSAA Music Adjudicator Training so I can officially be trained on how to judge events, then put my name in that hat so then I can hopefully spend my weekends traveling around and judging music festivals and getting my name out there instead of pouring drinks and serving food.  Bartending was great, don't misunderstand, but this will be better for the advancement of my career and myself as a professional.  Can't wait.
I truly believe that this is what the universe was trying to tell me when it brought that lump that turned out to be breast cancer to my attention.  I also believe that it's convenient that I had planned to name my blog and talk about "Stout's Spontaneous Evolution" as evidenced by the web address and have now realized that's what I was talking about all evolution into the person I am now.  Coincidence?  I think not.
I'm ready to change and evolve more as this world spins on it's axis towards the galactic synchronization of 2012.  Maybe something big will happen that day, maybe it won't.  What I *do* know is that I'm going to enjoy this ride as long as I can and not be afraid of change ever again because change is ultimately what keeps this world turning.    


  1. What a lovely blog you have! I am now following your blog :) You are such a strong and inspiring individual. I greatly admire you.


  2. such kind words from a "stranger" thank you! *love* the red dress with the V back on your blog. sassy!