Om Namah Shivaya


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Hormone roller coaster ride anyone??

#cheeseandrice.  A couple of months ago I was saying "Dang this bloat is outta control!" and now bloat must be replaced with hormones.  I've read about it, friends have told me about it, but I've never experienced it till now.  Believe you me, I was fine up until almost a week ago when I got thrown a curve ball I never really saw coming.  Maybe deep down inside I knew it was there but wanted to blind myself to it.  Irregardless, I got hit with it and it threw me into a freaking panic mode attack like nobody's business.  

Trust me; I logically and sanely understand that everything *will* somehow, someway work out the way it's supposed too.  All I have to remember is my cancer journey to know that's right.  But damn it all to hell if I don't just get wrapped up in the pure sh!t storm of scariness and spin off into the netherworlds while my friends and loved ones attempt to pull me back.  Here's a helpful tip.  Let me spin until I've spun myself out because then and *only* then will you be able to pull me back and talk (some might even want to smack *laugh*) some sense back into me.  Let me go through all my scenarios.  Let me project out to when our child is five years old and has to go to school and how expensive that's going to be and what we'll need, what they'll need, onandonandonandon.  Let me freak out about thinking we're going to have to live off of ramen noodles, powdered milk, and baked potatos in order to feed, clothe, diaper, and daycare of impending child.  Let me obsess for a little while over the enormity of it all because I've *never* done this before.

Do I realize that I'm not the first 33 year old, white, public school teacher with a part-time job (hell I'm lucky to just have the one) to get pregnant and have a baby in September with not many personal days to tap into?  Yes, I realize this.  Do I understand that thousands, if not millions of women have gone before me, with less than we have and survived incredibly to tell the tale?  Yes, I understand this.

But that doesn't mean I'm not still entitled to a freak out every now and then.  SO, as a person in my life let me spin for a bit and commiserate with me then when I've spun myself out, pull me back, dust me off, give me a hug, tell me to take a deep breath and just stop.  It *will* all work out somehow, some way, I know it will.  I just need to spin and have someone be there to catch me when I fall. 


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