Om Namah Shivaya


Sunday, August 15, 2010

skinny b!tches have body image issues too!

so Friday after school I went to happy hour with teacher friends at Side Pockets at Lee's Summit and my friend Cristin asked me if I had read her most recent blog; I had to admit that I hadn't. She told me that I needed too because "I inspired her" and that she had linked my blog to hers...hmmm...inspired her to do what I wonder. So, I logged on yesterday and read her post entitled "Did this skinny skank just high-five me? The Art of Being Resolutely Motivated" . Please read it, it's quite entertaining, and besides the fact Cristin's one cool chick so you should read it. :)

Anyways, as I sat there reading it I realized that we share a lot of the same body image issues and frustrations. Yes, I understand that our bodies are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum...I'm the "skinny chick", she's the "fat girl"; but we still have a lot in common, as do all of us.

See, I'm already intimidated by their athletic prowess and their ability to wear shorts, which makes it difficult for me to even discuss how I feel with them. The thing that really gets me about having physically fit friends is that they don't consider their chubby friend for volleyball teams and softball leagues. When there is a pick-up game of basketball to be played, the phone doesn't ring for the girl who needs to be on the court. I don't blame my friends: it's not their responsibility to make sure I'm working out. Plus, they want to win! Hard to do that with the girl who is huffing, puffing, and lagging behind." (Blunt's Blog post)

*News Flash*

*I don't feel comfortable wearing shorts higher than about mid-thigh because I don't like the way my inner thighs have a tendency to swing in and out when I walk, especially now that I haven't had a consistent workout routine since this whole cancer BS started.

* I don't get considered for volleyball teams, softball leagues, or basketball either cause I'm not seen as athletic in that way. I'm the "Yoga Girl", which is all fine and good, believe me, and even though I probably wouldn't be able to consistently participate in a league type situation (my schedule is stupid crazy during school except for a few months in the winter)... but I would still like to be asked every now and then as well.

*As for "huffing, and puffing, and lagging behind", hear me and hear me well Bluntski...*cups hands around mouth* "Skinny *Skanks* huff and puff and lag behind too!!!" You don't think that girl in Loose Park wasn't huffing and puffing? Psht! Please. And as for her "running like a gazelle", I assure you that inside her brain she felt clunky and awkward and probably had a few parts that jiggled as she ran which she despised. Ha!

I was told once that I had a "beautiful gait" to my running (which for me is more like jogging). I almost choked on my Gatorade when I heard that! What?! Me? Beautiful Gait? I felt like a two ton buffalo pounding away on the treadmill with about as much grace as a labrador puppy! *chuckle* And you can forget about the physical pain that running brings me...hips, knees, right shoulder, and please don't forget about the labored breathing and side stitch near the end. Oh, and if you were wondering...I hate the way my butt jiggles when I run... :)

Years ago it was the good old cardio and weights that helped me get the "freshmen fifteen" off. I know that the best combination of exercises for me is to practice yoga in the morning, take a run in the afternoon/evening, then practice yoga in the evening. This is what works best for me and I know it but I hate the running part. I absolutely hate it...actually despise might be a better run. But I feel better when I go, and despite the pain I feel better when I'm finished. I need to stop being a pansy and I just need to DO IT. So here it is; my goal is to run the 5K next year at the Race...anyone wanna run with me? :)

Ladies...It's in our nature to have areas on our body that we don't like and to even not like the whole thing! There are days when I hate what I see in the mirror. I feel fat, ugly, bloated, too jiggly here, not firm enough there.
I remember plain as day *on my wedding day* getting dressed in the beautiful gown my mother made for me, feeling beautiful as all get out, yet thinking "Damn I wish my stomach were flatter, and the swing would go out of my arms". Okay, now, come about stupid! On my wedding day I came in at a whopping 120lbs and had muscles galore, there was no reason to have those thoughts; I was healthy, I was super fit, and yet I did. And then there are days that I love the wholesome beauty of what I see. The light of my eyes, the curve of my hip, the strength of my back...the days when my hair *was* just right, the makeup perfect, the clothes just so, and the feeling of being toned and firm unmistakable. It is a beautiful thing...

I know I'm always going to have issues with certain areas of my body and yet love myself all at the same time for as long as I live. That's all part of the deal. It's what makes me a complicated, beautiful woman. I'm okay with that. What I don't like is when I get that look from people when I've said something like "Yeah, I really need to get back at it cause I'm feelin' a little soft around the edges right now",...notice I didn't say *fat*?! And they're looking at me as if to say (and sometimes they do), "Whatever; you look fantastic and are a skinny b!tch and I hate you for that". When all I really want that person to do is commiserate with me and say "I know what you mean, wanna go for a run?" To tell the truth sometimes it pisses me off and I just wanna yell "Excuse me but, Skinny B!tches have body issues too!!!"...*laugh*but I think that would be slightly inappropriate so I just nod, smile and change the topic.

So I feel your pain sister. I may not actually be a "fat girl", but I still can have a "fat day". I still struggle with the number on the scale not always saying what I want. I can still feel like my clothes don't fit right, or I'm uncomfortable in what I'm wearing. And I can be embarrassed by how I might appear to the world when I'm out running or just living life. Everyone should just start supporting each other and say "Let's go workout!" or "Let's do yoga!" when someone says "Yeah I should really get back at it because I'm feeling a little soft around the edges". Don't just poo poo the skinny girl because she's having a "fat day" and can't possibly know how you feel because she can and she does. So let's go for a run instead. Any time our schedules coordinate that is ;)

And can I just say that I think, no, I know that I'm gonna have some *really* negative thoughts about myself over the rest of the year as I go through this transformation and that's okay because I know that when I'm done, healed, and able to live life normally again I'll jump back on that wagon and start chuggin; *my* cabsoose up and down the hills of my neighborhood, huffin' and puffin' all the way. I hope you're with me.


  1. My advice is to wear the right shoes to boost your confidence!

  2. So...skinny grew up in a non-athletic family and survived that with learning to care for yourself in a way that none of your siblings or parents did. I think what you do to keep yourself fit is marvelous and even when you have had to "lay off" for a while due to this cancer thing you still have the will, skill and plan.

    We all beat ourselves up about exercise and body images but finally in the end the only thing that matters is what is in our heads. As you get older you will understand that. Being beautiful is a personal acceptance and a sense of peace that makes us beautiful. Exercise, diet, athletics, etc all help but it is really what we think that is the final word on the subject. Think about the person that is confined to a wheel chair and can't do the things that you can do. If they think they are beautiful they are and it is easily recognized. dear darling Emmy to Emmy run when you can but don't worry about the jiggles. Do what you can to make yourself feel well and happy and that will take care of all the rest.

    Love You