BRACAnalysis genetic test, my results and what it all means...

Well fudgebuckets. It came back positive. Damn.

What I'm talking about is the BRACAnalysis test. This is the genetic test that women who have a history of breast cancer (or ovarian) in their family should take because it will tell you whether or not you are genetically predisposed to the breast cancer (or ovarian cancer) gene. Wouldn't you know it that mine came back positive. *Mother Trucker!*

Why does this irritate me you ask? Because not only does this mean that I have a higher risk of developing breast cancer AGAIN down the road, *but* I now have the wonderful opportunity to develop ovarian cancer down the road as well.

*shakes head* I swear I should've had kids years ago cause then this wouldn't be a major issue now...geez.

Really though, I guess truthfully *everyone* has the same "risk" of developing cancer because cancer doesn't discriminate. t doesn't say "You're blonde, brown eyed, in good health...yeah I'm gonna pick YOU!" Sure there are indicators that might make you more prone to it (STILL ticked off at the universe for that one since I take good care of myself, eat right, exercise, etc...trying to do all the things that should ward off cancer but NOooooo....oh no....of course not) but really everyone can have it invade their body. SO, I guess in a way that it's a *good* thing that this test came back positive because now all my doctor's will actively monitor those important parts of my body more closely for the rest of my life (or until they're removed) and that's key for early detection for ovarian cancer. It's not like you can do "Monthly self-ovarian tests" to check for lumps ya know?

It's just...*sigh*...it just sucks because now not only are we facing a more likely double mastectomy w/reconstruction (although the idea of new knockers with tattooed nipples that insurance pays for is kind of enticing *wiggles eyebrows*), but now Tim and I really have to face the fertility issue. Do we have an ovary removed, frozen, then put back at a later date and hooked up praying that it works? Or, do we stimulate my ovaries *now*, harvest those eggs, blend them w/Tim's sperm making an embryo cocktail, then freeze those to implant later?! OR....(oh yes there's another choice of course), do we just "Let Go, and Let God" and hope that somewhere in this whole mess there is a plan that he has devised and if I would just "Let Go, and Let God" then he'll steer us along that path and everything will work out in the end?

Then these questions enter my mind (and I know they've entered Tim's a well)

*What if we undergo these really expensive fertility preservation treatments/experiments (because the ovary removal is still in the experimental stage) only to have it NOT work? How can I, how can WE put ourselves, our families, and our checkbooks through something like that that only has a 20-50% chance of working anyways?

*What if we undergo all of these really expensive treatments only to find out that *HAHA, just kidding!* I'm not able to have kids in the first place anyways, or Tim's not able to...whatever take your pick.

*What if we DON'T and our chance slips away?

*What if we DO, it WORKS, but then we're all in even more debt than before? I don't know if I could handle that. I really don't.

*What if fate/God/the divine spirits that reside above just don't have it in the cards for us to have our own kid(s). What if we're meant to adopt? What if we're meant to foster? What if we're meant to be the really cool aunt and uncle our whole lives? What if Buck and Lilly are it for us?

Please do not misunderstand...I do want to experience pregnancy. I want to be that cute pregnant girl, want to feel the miracle of life grow inside me, want to see my bell expand to a size I've never seen before. I want my kids at school to get all excited about me having a little baby. I want to see Tim as a dad. I want to see me as a mom. I want to give his parents a grandchild especially since Tim's an only child! I want to give my parents another grandchild...Hell, I thought our next medical journey would be a darn baby! I really thought that's how I'd get to be the princess for 9 months....hahaa, yeah...about that...instead I get to be the princess because of cancer. *sticks tongue out, points thumb down...pbft*

*sigh* I guess all we can do is to just listen to the advice of our doctors and follow what's inside our hearts because in the end that's all anyone can do.