16 weeks and one day today and I'm wondering if the odd movements I'm feeling are the baby moving around or just gas. There were a couple of days last week that it was just gas *laugh*, but a couple of times where I stopped and thought "What in the heck was that?"; especially the other night. I got up around 3am to let Buck dog out, returned to bed where I propped myself up with some pillows so I could lay on my back, settled down to return to sleep and felt a "taptaptap"..."taptaptap" kind of like "Hey, I was sleepin' in here, what are you doing up?!" but then again, it felt fairly high up in my abdomen so maybe it was just gas *shrugs*. Who knows.
Granted I know I'll feel it for sure when it's a full on "Hi-ya!" karate kick or punch, but until then I am paying more attention to those feelings down there in hopes that I can catch one of these early flutters because even though girlfriends and moms are telling me "Oh you'll *know* when it happens" I've never done this before, it's a little confusing right now so forgive me if I snipe at you because of that statement. It's kind of like when I had my wisdom teeth out and all my friends, in relation to dry sockets, were telling me "Oh don't worry, you'll KNOW if you have dry sockets". Welp, went back to the dentist for my week check-up and he was appalled at my dry sockets and asked "Why didn't you call me earlier? These are bad", and my response was "I didn't know I had dry sockets". I didn't know what they felt like, I had no idea I had them.
So till I feel the first "Hi-ya" karate kick, here's hoping to feel the flutters, bubbles, popcorn popping, and rolls these next few weeks.
Is it weird too include a note in our shower invites that basically says Re-Gifting is the way to go for onesies, blankets, socks, burp cloths, pack-in-plays, toys, bumbo's, etc, etc. The way I see it is that *everyone*, including us, has been hit by these down economic times and can use all the help we can get. I also see it as this; *why* clog up the environment with brand new onesies, blankets, burp cloths, bumbo's, etc, etc, when there are perfectly good "used" ones that not only can live a good second life, but can also be given in joy instead of financial hardship.
*Shrugs* maybe it's just me. My hubby thinks it a bit odd so we will see what shall happen, bu I think it a perfectly grand idea
I think about this *all* the time. I wonder if I have what it takes, if I can make the hard decisions that I know will have to be made. If I can wrap this baby in love yet guide them with an iron fist. I wonder if I can raise them in this crazy-a$$ world and still have them grow up knowing how to be compassionate, kind, patient, intelligent, passionate, and an all around productive member of society. I wonder if karma will come back to bite me in the a$$ when they're the age of 13-18, *especially* if it's a girl. I wonder if I'll be able to make it through those years. I wonder if I can be okay with losing myself for a while in hopes of finding me again. I wonder if I'll be resentful about what this is going to do to my figure. I wonder if that's selfish. I wonder how I'm going to screw this kid up, I wonder if they'll notice. I wonder at the ways they will change my life...OUR life...forever. I wonder if we're ready for that.
I wonder if I'll have the strength it's going to take to do this, I wonder if I'll survive.
Oddly enough, I don't wonder about Tim. I know he's going to be a fantastic dad.
#cheeseandrice. A couple of months ago I was saying "Dang this bloat is outta control!" and now bloat must be replaced with hormones. I've read about it, friends have told me about it, but I've never experienced it till now. Believe you me, I was fine up until almost a week ago when I got thrown a curve ball I never really saw coming. Maybe deep down inside I knew it was there but wanted to blind myself to it. Irregardless, I got hit with it and it threw me into a freaking panic mode attack like nobody's business.
Trust me; I logically and sanely understand that everything *will* somehow, someway work out the way it's supposed too. All I have to remember is my cancer journey to know that's right. But damn it all to hell if I don't just get wrapped up in the pure sh!t storm of scariness and spin off into the netherworlds while my friends and loved ones attempt to pull me back. Here's a helpful tip. Let me spin until I've spun myself out because then and *only* then will you be able to pull me back and talk (some might even want to smack *laugh*) some sense back into me. Let me go through all my scenarios. Let me project out to when our child is five years old and has to go to school and how expensive that's going to be and what we'll need, what they'll need, onandonandonandon. Let me freak out about thinking we're going to have to live off of ramen noodles, powdered milk, and baked potatos in order to feed, clothe, diaper, and daycare of impending child. Let me obsess for a little while over the enormity of it all because I've *never* done this before.
Do I realize that I'm not the first 33 year old, white, public school teacher with a part-time job (hell I'm lucky to just have the one) to get pregnant and have a baby in September with not many personal days to tap into? Yes, I realize this. Do I understand that thousands, if not millions of women have gone before me, with less than we have and survived incredibly to tell the tale? Yes, I understand this.
But that doesn't mean I'm not still entitled to a freak out every now and then. SO, as a person in my life let me spin for a bit and commiserate with me then when I've spun myself out, pull me back, dust me off, give me a hug, tell me to take a deep breath and just stop. It *will* all work out somehow, some way, I know it will. I just need to spin and have someone be there to catch me when I fall.
So we're entering the time where we need to begin thinking about what to do when the baby is actually *here*. When our lives are completely turned upside down, our schedules are no longer our own, and it all belongs to this little one inside me that is now about the size of a lemon, or an apple depending on which website or app you look at.
I'm going to admit, here, that I am scared sh!tless about this. Not so much the actuality of taking care of my child, that I know we will be able to do. I'm scared sh!tless about having to find money to buy all the stuff we need, finding someone to take care of our child, paying for it, paying for insurance, and paying for all of the diapers & formula this baby will need through their first few years of life when I know what's going to happen to my paycheck next year.
See...here's the thing. Shortly after I/we found out I was pregnant, I called our benefits office at school to inquire about FMLA. When I was diagnosed with cancer, we filled out the paperwork but never had to use it, but I know I'll have to fill it out again for pregnancy and have considered using it this time around. *IF* I don't have to take any more days for the remainder of the year (and I'm seriously kicking myself now for taking three days for that damn sinus infection back in October, or all the days I took in years prior that could have been banked for this pregnancy)...anyways, *IF* I don't have to take any more days for the remainder of the year, I will have 23.5 personal days to use once this baby is born. If the baby comes right on time, Sept. 22nd, then that takes me right up to Oct. 23rd to take off PAID. Then if I decide to take four weeks of FMLA, which is UNPAID COMPLETELY, that will take me to the Tuesday prior to Thanksgiving. Here's what I found out through our benefits office. Not only would those four weeks of FMLA be completely unpaid, as in I would NOT receive a paycheck AT.ALL, but *then* they will recalculate my contract and prorate it for the remainder of the year because I wouldn't be working the contracted 180 days stated in the contract (never mind all the damn time I put in during marching season and ensembles that probably when added up would exceed those 180 days). So not only will I be out two full paychecks, but then I'll be bringing in LESS money per month during a time that is probably going to be one of the most expensive in our lives.
It just doesn't seem fair. It's like the powers that be are saying "Congratulations! You're pregnant and that is SO awesome, but we're going to cut your pay so good luck in trying to pay your bills, keep your house, feed your child, put diapers on it's butt, OH and don't forget you have to pay for daycare!"
It's really throwing me for a loop and I don't know what to do. If I take four weeks unpaid, that's roughly $2700 we have to come up with, on our own, to be able to just cover those two paychecks in order to pay the bills, buy food, etc...for that month. Yet if I *don't* take those four weeks off, then that $2700 we have saved could cover about six months worth of daycare, IF we can find a place that's $400 a month (anyone got any ideas?). Yet here's the rub...I just don't know if I can say, after one month off, I don't know if I can relenquish my one month old child into the hands of a stranger, who granted may not be a complete stranger by that point but still...I don't know if I can do it. Will I be emotionally ready to return to work after just one month with this new life we have created? What kind of guilt will I feel in knowing that I have essentially dumped my child into the care of someone else just so I can go punch a clock to make the money to pay for their care.
Then again, if I don't take the four weeks unpaid, then we're ahead in this money game, AND they won't recalculate my contract so I won't be out more money. I 'spose I could just take two weeks off unpaid because then I'm only out one paycheck and won't hit that 10day mark over personal days which will necessitate them to recalculate & prorate my contract.
Holy sh!tballs, what are we going to do. I know one things for sure. I'll be picking up as many extra shifts this summer as I physically can handle, stashing that money away just like I'm doing now, put off some house projects that although they need to be done, this is more important to put money towards, and hope this baby comes one week late cause that would help out with the leave better.
Maybe now that I've gotten this out of my brain, a solution will present itself, and I'm hoping that somehow, someway this will all work out. It's sure gonna be one scary ride though...
Due to enter and change our lives forever late September, 2012. Currently 12w5d.
The following is from a Guest Blogger by the name of Davis Haas who stumbled across my blog and wanted to write a guest spot. I've never had anyone ask me that before and I thought "Sure! Why not?!"
Here is his contact info:
David Haas Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance Guest Blogger,
http://about.me/haasblaag
I hope you enjoy reading it!
Working it Out, by David Haas
If you have been recently diagnosed with cancer; run, don't walk to your nearest
gym. Do not wait for treatment to be over to start working on building a healthier
body and doing all you can to prevent this dreaded disease from coming back once
it's gone. An interdisciplinary panel of experts has put together set of guidelines and
have strongly advocated the importance of physical fitness for both during and after
treatment. The National Cancer Institute put a spotlight on these recommendations
in their article, “Guidelines Urge Exercise For Cancer Patients, Survivors”.
Okay, the "run, don't walk" remark is not to be taken too literally. It really only
means to that exercise should be taken into account very seriously. Although some
cancer patients, whether they are diagnosed with a rare disease like mesothelioma
or a common one like breast cancer, can actually perform certain exercises while
their cancer is still an active issue. However, many patients will need to adjust their
activity level to accommodate their illness. Before heading to the gym, do some
research and find out the appropriate accommodations and fitness needs for your
specific type of cancer and cancer treatment.
Some cancers are wasting diseases where keeping weight on and maintaining
adequate muscle mass are of vital importance and basic goals for any fitness
program during treatment. Other cancers are routinely treated in a manner which
typically leads to excess weight gain. In these cases, fitness programs should be
tailored towards trying to limit excess weight gain. Also, some treatments can
have serious fitness related side effects like leaving bones brittle and vulnerable
to breaking. It is very important to be aware of such issues and tailor your fitness
regimen to account for them so as to not create new health issues while trying to
work your way out of cancer.
In all cases, fitness programs during treatment should have a fundamental goal of
maintaining and improving basic quality of life. This includes goals like maintaining
energy levels, reducing the side effects of treatment and reducing pain. In addition
to improving basic body functions, working out can help improve one’s self-image.
The importance of how you feel about yourself and how you perceive yourself
during treatment should not be underestimated. Survival may depend on how
diligently you work at surviving. Feeling good enough about yourself to feel you
have reason to live can make a critical difference in just how diligent you are in your
daily routines.
Work out for yourself and get back on the path of seeking normalcy and happiness
while both in and out of treatment. Exercise may be not be the cure to cancer;
however, it can regain vitally, a positive spirit and leave you feeling like your healthy
self you once knew.
http://www.mesothelioma.com/treatment/
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20089410-10391704.html
