I wonder if I'll be a good mom...

I think about this *all* the time.  I wonder if I have what it takes, if I can make the hard decisions that I know will have to be made.  If I can wrap this baby in love yet guide them with an iron fist.  I wonder if I can raise them in this crazy-a$$ world and still have them grow up knowing how to be compassionate, kind, patient, intelligent, passionate, and an all around productive member of society.  I wonder if karma will come back to bite me in the a$$ when they're the age of 13-18, *especially* if it's a girl.  I wonder if I'll be able to make it through those years.  I wonder if I can be okay with losing myself for a while in hopes of finding me again.  I wonder if I'll be resentful about what this is going to do to my figure.  I wonder if that's selfish.  I wonder how I'm going to screw this kid up, I wonder if they'll notice.  I wonder at the ways they will change my life...OUR life...forever.  I wonder if we're ready for that.  

I wonder if I'll have the strength it's going to take to do this, I wonder if I'll survive.

Oddly enough, I don't wonder about Tim.  I know he's going to be a fantastic dad.

Hormone roller coaster ride anyone??

#cheeseandrice.  A couple of months ago I was saying "Dang this bloat is outta control!" and now bloat must be replaced with hormones.  I've read about it, friends have told me about it, but I've never experienced it till now.  Believe you me, I was fine up until almost a week ago when I got thrown a curve ball I never really saw coming.  Maybe deep down inside I knew it was there but wanted to blind myself to it.  Irregardless, I got hit with it and it threw me into a freaking panic mode attack like nobody's business.  



Trust me; I logically and sanely understand that everything *will* somehow, someway work out the way it's supposed too.  All I have to remember is my cancer journey to know that's right.  But damn it all to hell if I don't just get wrapped up in the pure sh!t storm of scariness and spin off into the netherworlds while my friends and loved ones attempt to pull me back.  Here's a helpful tip.  Let me spin until I've spun myself out because then and *only* then will you be able to pull me back and talk (some might even want to smack *laugh*) some sense back into me.  Let me go through all my scenarios.  Let me project out to when our child is five years old and has to go to school and how expensive that's going to be and what we'll need, what they'll need, onandonandonandon.  Let me freak out about thinking we're going to have to live off of ramen noodles, powdered milk, and baked potatos in order to feed, clothe, diaper, and daycare of impending child.  Let me obsess for a little while over the enormity of it all because I've *never* done this before.

Do I realize that I'm not the first 33 year old, white, public school teacher with a part-time job (hell I'm lucky to just have the one) to get pregnant and have a baby in September with not many personal days to tap into?  Yes, I realize this.  Do I understand that thousands, if not millions of women have gone before me, with less than we have and survived incredibly to tell the tale?  Yes, I understand this.

But that doesn't mean I'm not still entitled to a freak out every now and then.  SO, as a person in my life let me spin for a bit and commiserate with me then when I've spun myself out, pull me back, dust me off, give me a hug, tell me to take a deep breath and just stop.  It *will* all work out somehow, some way, I know it will.  I just need to spin and have someone be there to catch me when I fall. 

 

The money matters of it all...

So we're entering the time where we need to begin thinking about what to do when the baby is actually *here*.  When our lives are completely turned upside down, our schedules are no longer our own, and it all belongs to this little one inside me that is now about the size of a lemon, or an apple depending on which website or app you look at.  

I'm going to admit, here, that I am scared sh!tless about this.  Not so much the actuality of taking care of my child, that I know we will be able to do.  I'm scared sh!tless about having to find money to buy all the stuff we need, finding someone to take care of our child, paying for it, paying for insurance, and paying for all of the diapers & formula this baby will need through their first few years of life when I know what's going to happen to my paycheck next year.

See...here's the thing.  Shortly after I/we found out I was pregnant, I called our benefits office at school to inquire about FMLA.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, we filled out the paperwork but never had to use it, but I know I'll have to fill it out again for pregnancy and have considered using it this time around.  *IF* I don't have to take any more days for the remainder of the year (and I'm seriously kicking myself now for taking three days for that damn sinus infection back in October, or all the days I took in years prior that could have been banked for this pregnancy)...anyways, *IF* I don't have to take any more days for the remainder of the year, I will have 23.5 personal days to use once this baby is born.  If the baby comes right on time, Sept. 22nd, then that takes me right up to Oct. 23rd to take off PAID.  Then if I decide to take four weeks of FMLA, which is UNPAID COMPLETELY, that will take me to the Tuesday prior to Thanksgiving.  Here's what I found out through our benefits office.  Not only would those four weeks of FMLA be completely unpaid, as in I would NOT receive a paycheck AT.ALL, but *then* they will recalculate my contract and prorate it for the remainder of the year because I wouldn't be working the contracted 180 days stated in the contract (never mind all the damn time I put in during marching season and ensembles that probably when added up would exceed those 180 days).  So not only will I be out two full paychecks, but then I'll be bringing in LESS money per month during a time that is probably going to be one of the most expensive in our lives.

It just doesn't seem fair.  It's like the powers that be are saying "Congratulations!  You're pregnant and that is SO awesome, but we're going to cut your pay so good luck in trying to pay your bills, keep your house, feed your child, put diapers on it's butt, OH and don't forget you have to pay for daycare!"  

It's really throwing me for a loop and I don't know what to do.  If I take four weeks unpaid, that's roughly $2700 we have to come up with, on our own, to be able to just cover those two paychecks in order to pay the bills, buy food, etc...for that month.  Yet if I *don't* take those four weeks off, then that $2700 we have saved could cover about six months worth of daycare, IF we can find a place that's $400 a month (anyone got any ideas?).  Yet here's the rub...I just don't know if I can say, after one month off, I don't know if I can relenquish my one month old child into the hands of a stranger, who granted may not be a complete stranger by that point but still...I don't know if I can do it.  Will I be emotionally ready to return to work after just one month with this new life we have created?  What kind of guilt will I feel in knowing that I have essentially dumped my child into the care of someone else just so I can go punch a clock to make the money to pay for their care.

Then again, if I don't take the four weeks unpaid, then we're ahead in this money game, AND they won't recalculate my contract so I won't be out more money.  I 'spose I could just take two weeks off unpaid because then I'm only out one paycheck and won't hit that 10day mark over personal days which will necessitate them to recalculate & prorate my contract.

Holy sh!tballs, what are we going to do.  I know one things for sure.  I'll be picking up as many extra shifts this summer as I physically can handle, stashing that money away just like I'm doing now, put off some house projects that although they need to be done, this is more important to put money towards, and hope this baby comes one week late cause that would help out with the leave better.  

Maybe now that I've gotten this out of my brain, a solution will present itself, and I'm hoping that somehow, someway this will all work out.  It's sure gonna be one scary ride though...

Introducing Baby Stout!

Due to enter and change our lives forever late September, 2012.  Currently 12w5d.

Working it Out

The following is from a Guest Blogger by the name of Davis Haas who stumbled across my blog and wanted to write a guest spot.  I've never had anyone ask me that before and I thought "Sure! Why not?!"  




Here is his contact info: 
David Haas Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance Guest Blogger,  
http://about.me/haasblaag

I hope you enjoy reading it!

Working it Out, by David Haas

If you have been recently diagnosed with cancer; run, don't walk to your nearest
gym. Do not wait for treatment to be over to start working on building a healthier
body and doing all you can to prevent this dreaded disease from coming back once
it's gone. An interdisciplinary panel of experts has put together set of guidelines and
have strongly advocated the importance of physical fitness for both during and after
treatment. The National Cancer Institute put a spotlight on these recommendations
in their article, “Guidelines Urge Exercise For Cancer Patients, Survivors”.

Okay, the "run, don't walk" remark is not to be taken too literally. It really only
means to that exercise should be taken into account very seriously. Although some
cancer patients, whether they are diagnosed with a rare disease like mesothelioma
or a common one like breast cancer, can actually perform certain exercises while
their cancer is still an active issue. However, many patients will need to adjust their
activity level to accommodate their illness. Before heading to the gym, do some
research and find out the appropriate accommodations and fitness needs for your
specific type of cancer and cancer treatment.

Some cancers are wasting diseases where keeping weight on and maintaining
adequate muscle mass are of vital importance and basic goals for any fitness
program during treatment. Other cancers are routinely treated in a manner which
typically leads to excess weight gain. In these cases, fitness programs should be
tailored towards trying to limit excess weight gain. Also, some treatments can
have serious fitness related side effects like leaving bones brittle and vulnerable
to breaking. It is very important to be aware of such issues and tailor your fitness
regimen to account for them so as to not create new health issues while trying to
work your way out of cancer.

In all cases, fitness programs during treatment should have a fundamental goal of
maintaining and improving basic quality of life. This includes goals like maintaining
energy levels, reducing the side effects of treatment and reducing pain. In addition
to improving basic body functions, working out can help improve one’s self-image.
The importance of how you feel about yourself and how you perceive yourself
during treatment should not be underestimated. Survival may depend on how
diligently you work at surviving. Feeling good enough about yourself to feel you
have reason to live can make a critical difference in just how diligent you are in your
daily routines.

Work out for yourself and get back on the path of seeking normalcy and happiness
while both in and out of treatment. Exercise may be not be the cure to cancer;
however, it can regain vitally, a positive spirit and leave you feeling like your healthy
self you once knew.

http://www.mesothelioma.com/treatment/


http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20089410-10391704.html

Merry Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, Festivus, Boxing Day, New Year's, etc, etc, etc...did I cover them all?

Taken from Facebook - unknown origin

As the holiday's approach, or if yours is in full swing right now, I make a nation wide wish for us all...GET OVER YOURSELF.  That's right, you read it correctly, get over yourself and your holiday/religion.  It's all so silly too fight over.  This is supposed to be a joyful time of year for all holiday's involved and instead I feel as though I'm doing something criminal when I wish a "Merry Christmas!" to people I run into.  Like I'm forcing it down their throats or something.  I would love for someone to wish me a "Happy Chanukah!", I think it would be neat!  I would then wish them a "Merry Christmas" right back because we are both celebrating our separate holidays with the same lovely intention. 
  Wish me a Happy Kwanza, Boxing Day, FESTIVUS (and if you don't know what Festivus is I feel terribly sorry for you), Christmas or Chanukah; I promise I won't bite your head off with holiday negativity about equality for all or "Don't push your religion down my throat!" malarkey.  I will accept the greeting in the spirit in which it is intended and respond in kind.

I hope your holiday is just what you want and is a fabulous time filled with family, friends, and great food.  That is my wish for us all.  SO...next time you see me wish me YOUR holiday cheer because I'm wishing everyone a "Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!" 

I gave us the gift of health this holiday season; won't you join us?

About a month ago, my sister brought a fabulous product into my awareness.  It's called JuicePlus+.  I wouldn't be that surprised if some of you out there have heard of it, it's been around for quite a while, but this is the first I've heard of it and I'm hooked.

The premise is quite simple, really.  Let's face it...NONE of us really and truly get the recommended amount of fruits and veggies we need in a day to not only fuel our body but to *heal* our body and keep it healthy.  Even I, the self-proclaimed health nut of our family, can't get the recommended amount in daily.  Try as I might it just doesn't happen.  Sure, I load my grocery cart up with fruits and veggies every shopping trip and cook a considerable amount of them, but quite frankly most of the fruit (except grapes, oranges, and nectarines) gets over-ripe and gets thrown out, and most of the veggies follow the same fate even though I cook and eat more of those than fruit.  

http://www.stouttakesjuiceplus.com

So here's the question..."HOW can we get the recommended daily amount without spending a fortune and then throwing said fortune away?" 


Think about it for a second.  *If* (and this is a big if), *IF* you were to purchase enough fruits and vegetables *just for yourself* to fulfill the 17 servings (or even on the low end of 9) for one day, how much would you eat?  How much would you spend?  How much would you throw away??  Uh-huh, that's what I thought.  Here's what JuicePlus+ has too offer all of us...

(Taken directly from "The next best thing to fruits and vegetable" brochure for JuicePlus+)

"JuicePlus+ helps bridge the gap between what you *should* eat and what you *actually* eat.  JuicePlus+ is the convenient and inexpensive way to add more nutrition from fruits and vegetables to your diet, every day.  JuicePlus+ Orchard Blend is made from 7 different fruits (apple, orange, pineapple, cranberry, papaya, peaches, and acerola cherry).  JuicePlus+ Garden Blend is made from 10 different vegetables and grains (carrot, parsley, beet, kale, broccoli, cabbage, spinach, tomato, oat bran and brown rice bran)...Just *two* JuicePlus+ Orchard Blend and two JuicePlus+ Garden Blend capsules every day are all it takes to experience real benefits from adding more nutrition from fruits and vegetables to your diet."   

http://www.stouttakesjuiceplus.com

THIS IS NOT A VITAMIN OR A SUPPLEMENT!  It's *REAL FOOD*.  It's *WHOLE NUTRITION*.  What does this mean, you ask?  It means that JuicePlus+ not only contains a wider variety of naturally occurring vitamins than vitamin supplements, but it also contains phytonutrients and antioxidants which are ESSENTIAL to maintaining good health. 

How is it made?  They start with fresh, high quality fruits and veggies that are pesticide and contaminant free.  They juice the fruits and veggies first, then concentrate it into powders using a ..."proprietary, low-temperature process".  Why low-temperature?  Have you ever heard or used the statement "Man, those (insert vegetable of choice here) were cooked within an inch of their life!"

I have.  

It's quite simple.  When fruits and veggies are overcooked, they lose their nutritional value.  It's cooked right out of them.  Hence the low-temperature process makes sure you get all the nutrients you need to improve your health and keep you healthy.  

http://www.stouttakesjuiceplus.com

Here are some shocking (at least they were too me) results from a sampling of studies done on JuicePlus+ (which, by the way is one of the most researched products of it's kind out there). 

The following statistics are taken from my informational brochure information as an Independent Distributor of JuicePlus+, the studies will be in ( ).

*80 million people have some form of heart disease (American Heart Association)

*1 in 3 women and 1 in 2 men will have cancer in his or her lifetime (National Cancer Institute) **Let me say that right here this statistic has been reached, because I know at least two other women who read my blog, and I would be the third that has had cancer**

*Over 20 million children and adults have diabetes (American Diabetes Association) **Raise your hand if you know someone with diabetes *raises hand* I do**

*64% of adults are overweight (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) **We know that's true, all you have to do is step outside your door and go to any public place.  Obesity reigns supreme and that's so, so sad**

*About 59% of adults *do not* engage in any vigorous leisure-time physical activity (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) **Are you kidding me?!?!  Exercise is so important, as is proper nutrition!**






*Our national health care expenditures were 2 trillion (TWO TRILLION!!!!!!!) in 2005, or $6,700 per person (National Coalition on Health Care) **I wonder what it is NOW and I wonder if we could really, truly take back our health AND health-care system by simply taking JuicePlus+ every day**

http://www.stouttakesjuiceplus.com

NOW here are the shocking statistics ABOUT OUR CHILDREN, the *future* of this world, the generations that are supposed to propel this world forward into the future...it's scary people, and very very sad. 

*By the age of 12, an estimated 70% of our children have developed the beginning stages of hardening of the arteries (Bogalusa Heart Study) **I've been told there is *chewable* LIPITOR for children now.  How sad is that?  Do you realize that by feeding your child nothing but fast, convenient, and not-so-healthy options you are signing their death certificate?  Breaks my heart**


*1 in 3 Americans born in 2000 will develop diabetes (Journal of the American Medical Association)


*1 in 4 children is obese (International Journal of Obesity) **Again; walk out your door and go to a public place.  This is true**


*Nearly 50% of obese adolescents remain obese as adults (International Journal of Obesity) **Just watch Biggest Loser**


*7% of school age children are diagnosed with ADHD (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)

*Over 93% of all children and adolescents *do not consume* the recommended 3 servings of vegetables per day (Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine) **Yesterday morning on Fox4 News, they ran a story on this.  It was said that teenagers consume LESS THAN ONE SERVING A DAY and shockingly boys consumed more than girls.  How can they live their best life without fruits and veggies?**

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT THIS?!?!

The US government has spent billions trying to find a cure for heart disease, cancer, and other diseases.  The conclusion??  Disease is *easier* to PREVENT THAN TO CURE.  Government recommendation?? EAT 7-13 SERVINGS OF FRESH FRUITS AND VEGGIES A DAY, yet almost no-one does.

So what does JuicePlus+ do for you?  http://www.stouttakesjuiceplus.com


It delivers key antioxidants that are actually absorbed by the body (i.e. gets into your bloodstream, a lot of vitamins don't), it reduces oxidative stress caused by free radicals (translation: it combats the bad things in our food/environment that cause us to age prematurely and develop disease).  It positively impacts markers of systemic inflammation (those of you with lupus and fibromyalgia would greatly benefit from JP+), it helps support the immune system, helps protect our DNA, and promotes cardiovascular wellness. ("Results of independent clinical research studies published in peer-reviewed journals").  

The end kicker is this...the combo of the Orchard Blend and Garden Blend for an adult is around $1.50 a day *and* if you sign up for a year you can sponsor a child (ages 4-18) FREE FOR A YEAR!!!  Who wouldn't want to give themselves the benefit of good health while giving it too their child, FOR FREE, as well??? And again I ask...can you buy all the fruits and veggies you & your family need for $1.50 A DAY?  I think not.


We all know we need to take better care of ourselves.  Our bodies are a wonderous, mysterious machine that we have yet to unlock all the secrets about.  Until we start taking better care of ourselves in terms of FEEDING OURSELVES CORRECTLY to *power* our body, to *nourish* our body, to *HEAL* our body, we will never live too our full potential.  We will never turn this world around.  We will never have a better health care system, and we will harm the future generations of children even yet too be born.


I don't know about you, but I don't want that for this world.  I don't want that for our children, for MY children.  I'm always striving to become a better version of myself, to become a healthier version of myself, and too live my best life possible.  JuicePlus+ is turning my health and that of my husband's around; won't you join us?

http://www.stouttakesjuiceplus.com