Can I get an "Amen!"

Oh yes you may! "AMEN! my sistah's and brotha's...Thanksgiving break is almost here! Hallelujah!!"

Oh...excuse me...got a little excited there for a moment; but then again, why *not* get excited?! I know that all of you out there in the world who don't teach, may not understand the level of euphoria all of us teachers are rising towards. Five days *off!*. Sure, only three of them are from school and many of them might just be spent traveling in the car, but...Five.Days.Off. Count 'em...onetwothreefourfive. Five!

Hahaha!!! I get giddy with relief just thinking about it. I've been trying *so* hard to keep everything I've been going through from affecting work. I feel I've done a fairly good job of it...I also did a *really* good job of "letting go" let's not forget that...but damn if I'm not exhausted. I mean...Whew! Stick a fork in me and call me done-zo. And now there are five days stretching out ahead of me. An eternity of time to schedule, arrange, laze about, exercise, paint my toes (yes I did just type that), be with the hubby, be with family, be with friends & stay up late and actually PARTY! Sleep in late (and I don't mean 730), get back to yoga, catch up on things to be done, work on cookies and Christmas cards, watch "A Christmas Story" at least 3 times while decorating the house...ya know, just be ME.

*sigh* one more day...one more day...

Today the jiggle begins to disappear...

and all I really have to say is Hallelujah!

The fact that I was officially released by my doctor's to return to a normal exercise routine is beyond thrilling. Of course "let pain be your guide" is going to be the mantra for a while, but damn it felt good to do that 20minutes of yoga this morning. I've definitely lost a lot of flexibility and I can't quite stretch my arms up all the way but that's okay because soon, very soon, I will be able to and then there'll be NO stopping me!

This also means that we're getting much much closer to the end. Only two more fill appointments and then we talk surgery! I can't wait to get these weird tissue expanders swapped out for real implants and get through that final healing. Oh what joyous day that is going to be. My hair's coming back with a bang, my strength and energy level are raising slowly day by day, and the pain is slowly subsiding. Chemo seems like a distant dream, and even the mastectomy surgery and subsequent surgery seem far in the past. I'm truly on the mend and getting back to my regular life. How awesome is that.

Loss of control...

Raise your hand if you're a control freak like me *raises hand*. I always knew that I'm the type of person who likes having my life go a certain way...who doesn't? Things have their place, your day has a schedule, a routine to it, and even the evenings follow a similar pattern night after night. I knew that when the diagnosis of "Breast Cancer" came down that things were going to have to find a new pattern...a new routine. Fine. I'm okay with that. We were able to find a new routine, a new pattern...albeit it's not the one *I* would have chosen, but it's worked fine so far. What I'm *not* okay with is days like this that keep me from school and from my kids...random unscheduled days where you wake up going "Good *Lord* what is that pain? Where is it coming from? What's happening?!" and instead of being able to get up and get moving and get to school to do my job, I have to instead sit here at home with ice on and off and back on the valium...what a way to start your work week huh? Sheesh-a-me.

The sensation of losing control over what it is you have planned for the day (as in I was supposed to finish up the 8th grade playing test today and introduce some new concepts to my 5th graders and get my percussion kids running on the holiday music) can be so incredibly frustrating because then you have to come up with a NEW plan on-top of the one you already had in place. *sigh* It's just so stupid. It's all just so friggin' stupid. I can't wait for it to be all over. ALL of it...not just the next phase...ALL of it.

I just keep saying "January...January...January..." to myself. By then this should all be over and I should be able to get back into my *old* routine of living life just like I need to to accomplish that which I hope to accomplish. To take care of my hubby the way he deserves, to play with the doggies each day again, to not miss a day of school again because of *cancer*, and to start taking care of myself again in the way that I *so* much need and deserve. In the mean time I'll just keep trying to catch that run-away train that I've been running after since I returned from surgery and just keep doing the best that I can. I guess that's really all I can do.

January...January...January...

Thank you GC management, staff, regulars, and patrons!

BIG THANK YOU SHOUT OUT TO ANGIE, GABE AND EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED FOR MAKING THIS HAPPEN!
Today is the day folks. Granite City Food and Brewery located at I-29 and Barry Road in the Zona Rosa shopping center is putting on a fundraiser for Tim and I. 20% of your final bill (*if* you choose to participate) will be donated to us. All you have to do is come on in, tell your server/bartender you want to participate, then eat and drink! The Brunch is awesome, Bloody Mary's and Mimosa's are on special (can you say all you can drink mimosa's for $8?!?!) and the staff rocks. You can ONLY get Brunch from 10-11, but it runs until 2. There's a stadium menu for when the games start (around 1...the pretzels are wicked good and you can't beat 1/2 price pizzas!), and of course the fine hand-crafted BEER is to die for!

I began working for GC the day they opened, what it's been almost six years now?! Wow. Crazy. I've been in the restaurant industry since I was 18 (thank you Pancho's for giving me the chance and Free State Brewery for refining my skills), and have loved (okay okay it definitely is a love/hate relationship) every minute of it. It was my third year of teaching when I took a friend to the airport and passed by the Zona shopping center where numerous new restaurants were being built and noticed a big banner for Granite City Food and Brewery. My first thought was: "Huh, a Brewery...I've done that before...could be fun". Then on my way back from the airport I thought "Ya know. Tim's in a tree every weekend until it snows and Christmas is right around the corner...why not get a second job here and earn $$ for Christmas gifts?!" Within a half an hour I had a job as a server (Thanks Bob! Still miss your face!!) and then the realization hit that not only was I *back* in the restaurant industry but that I was also now a two job person...something I'd never done before.

So thus began my relationship as being the "weekend warrior", as I was dubbed by some of the early management staff, with Granite City. Then when the opportunity came about for me to become the weekend day bartender I grabbed at it because that had always been my ultimate goal in the restaurant world...to bartend.

I enjoyed about 3 1/2 or 4 years of it I think...time flew by so quickly I don't remember how much time I spent behind the bar. Maybe it was the fun of the job, but mostly probably the fact I was working 7 days a week...ha! Anyways, I loved working there, loved all the managers that came through that place (Kurt,RJ, Julie, Gabe, Mike, Mike, and Mike ha!, Chad, J, Carlos, Jeff (MISS YOU JEFF!), and all the others), loved who I worked with (HI Dana!, Rachel, Hupp, Joe, Charlie, among many others), and yes even loved the gritchy kitchen staff (Hi Jared, Yewell, Jr., Bob and the rest!)...oh my goodness and how in the *world* can I forget about Wilson?!?!?! HI WILSON!!!

To my regulars (forgive me if I miss a name or two)...Teddy (what are we fighting today?), Pete (NLight or Wheat today?) Ted (Ice Tea with two pinks?), Jason (Raspberry tea with lots of lemons on the side), Ron (always a Bennie), Loretta (glass of red wine?), the Platte Co. Martini drinkin' girls, BEN (Yo Doctor!), Pat (IPA for you sir?), the Hebert's (raspberry NLight?), David and Angela (Shiraz and a 2Pull w/a pizza today?) Jada and her crew, Mayor, Gov and the rest...so many more that I can't think of right now but I appreciate you all and miss seeing all your faces each weekend.

All of these people have seen me through many years of my life and listened to my trials and tribulations behind the bar. They each hold a special place in my heart and dearly miss seeing them all each and every weekend. Thank you to all of you (from staff to regulars) making my years at Granite City behind the bar such a fun time and a fulfilling time in my life; and one last time, thank you thank you THANK YOU for everyone who comes out to participate today and helps donate to Tim and I. We can't thank you enough, we're humbled beyond words, and we look forward to being able to pay it forward someday. I only wish that I could be behind the bar doing what I do.

THANK YOU GRANITE CITY!!!

5 months

Tissue expanders are just no fun; but that's okay because it's just one night of pain and one day a week that I have to recoup which makes each week one week closer to this all being over. "You hear that Universe?!?! O.V.E.R. Over!" I'm not going to allow you to touch me with cancer again, whatever form it be. I also pray that you do not ever touch anyone I love with cancer...ever.

I realized the other day that it was almost five months to.the.day. that I went from being told that I had breast cancer to being cancer free! I *told* you the universe didn't know who it was messin' with!!! Those cancer kickin' shoes worked! Ha!

What a journey this has been. I've gone from finding a lump and thinking it was nothing, to being told "it's probably nothing", then being told "You have Breast Cancer". The emotional roller-coaster days of "information overload", the scariness of the first chemo, then the fatigue and nausea of chemo. Chemo's 4 & 6 were doozies. The hair loss...*oh* the hair loss; yeah...that sucked. Finally to the loss of both of my breasts which have been replaced, for now, with tissue expanders that look and feel *oh* so weird, not to mention pretty *bleepin* painful .

I've lost the sense of myself and the sense of my beauty *but* I have found sources of strength that I didn't know I had, and yet also a different sense of beauty. I've had to give in and only go 50% in everything I do when all I wanna do is give 100 or more to everyone around me, including my kids. Yet I know this journey is coming to a close. I still have quite a ways to go till I'm back to my normal life, not that it will ever be the same...no...not after this, but at least I can live my life as I used to. Do the things I used to do on a daily basis. Ya know, just be *me*.

I can't wait for that day.

check it...my hair's coming back!

First week back....almost made it the whole way...

Monday was so awesome...I came walking into Ruskin (THANK YOU Mr. Ryerson for making the front parking lot more accessible to traveling teachers because the thought of having to deal with that heavy gate on the back parking lot right now is more than I could have handled). So anyways, I come walking into Ruskin and the reaction I got from my fellow co-workers you would have thought I was on a "shock and awe" campaign. It was lovely being welcomed back by the staff as I made my way to the band room. That's when the real celebration began. The kids came running at me from all directions "MISS STOUT!!! MISS STOUT!!!" "YOU'RE BACK! YOU'RE BACK!" "Oh my God I'm so glad to see you!!!" You should have seen me as they came running towards me, I had a huge smile on my face but my hands up saying "Easy...easy...easy!!" There's nothing better, as a teacher, than being swept up into a bear hug by one of your students and spun around because they're so happy to see you. I think I made everyone late to class that morning cause they were all coming out into the hall to welcome me back. :) Very nice.

On Tuesday I was so exhausted I had at least 5 people tell me that I needed to go home. Ha! You know it's true when people you work with (including administrators) tell you to go home. SO, knowing that I was getting filled Tuesday evening (up to 150cc on each side thank you very much) and knowing how badly that hurt the last time, I decided to take Wednesday off. What a good idea. Oy that filling up of the expanders hurts like a son of a b!tch. I remember them telling me that the filling up of the exanders would make my back hurt but I really didn't put it all together until last Tuesday evening. MAN did my back hurt that night. Whoo! Damn experience made me cry, which just wigged Tim out, so I had to get it under control...thank goodness for pain pills. Sheesh!

What I figured out, for those of you who are wondering, is that it makes total sense for your back to hurt after getting expanded. See, they put the tissue expanders *under* the chest muscle so then when they fill you up each week not only is the tissue getting expanded BUT it's also expanding muscle and pulling on that band of muscle that wraps around your whole chest area. Holy Moly, it's quite the experience. I'll be taking next Wednesday off because they scheduled me for Tuesday afternoon again, but I'm going to try to get them to schedule it from now on on Friday's so I can recover over the weekends instead of having to take a day of from school each week for however long this is going to take.

Thursday I returned with a bang and made it through the day with style, then returned that evening for our 8th/9th grade Choir and Orchestra concert. Since I was not doing any conducting (can't wave my arms like that just yet) I got to be the MC, and that was way fun. Ms. Davis (our principal) welcomed everyone to the concert then turned the mic over to me where I welcomed everyone as well and then talked a little bit about me telling the crowd that if they hadn't gotten the memo the first time I've been battling breast cancer since May, and that as of October 15th I am cancer free...thunderous applause followed and I had to work very hard to *not* tear up. The concert went just as well as could be expected and I was worn out by the end.

Friday came and went in a blur (thank god for Friday's and NO heels!) where I ended my week with having a wine afternoon with my friend and colleague Donna. Love having wine with Donna and of course the coffee that comes after :)

SO glad it's the weekend, though. Gonna get outta this place for the day and head to Lawrence to see the fam. Sent thank you notes out earlier in the week and wrote a special note to my nephew Thomas which apparently upset him because he's been so concerned about me. What a cutie! He was so cute in the hospital, *such* a look of concern on his face. So I'm going to head to Lawrence while Tim continues to work on the floor and deer hunt. :)