Oh sleep you elusive beast....

I don't know if it's all the surgeries, all the medications, or all the rest I've been getting during the day but a sound night of sleep seems to be a dream of a distant past for me. For the past week or so I've been pinging awake at 330am and have had to fight to go back to sleep until 630. This usually just involves me tossing and turning for 3 hours as I hover somewhere in that twilight state. Usually I just say "Eff it" and get up because it's easier to just start my day then to keep fighting the clock and my body for a little bit of sleep. I hope that as this surgery heals more with each passing day, my sleep becomes more blissful and less painful. I hope I am able to sleep on my side again (oh how I miss sleeping on my side!) and it would be really nice if just once over this winter break I could sleep in until 8 or 830 but that's just wishful thinking.

So for today I am going to try and wear myself out throughout the day (lots of cleaning and laundry to do and I want to go for a walk) and NOT take a nap so that maybe, just maybe I can sleep soundly tonight. I'm also going to be fully off the heavy meds starting today so that should help as well. Keep the fingers crossed!

What's better than Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve????

New Boobie Eve!!! That's right; it's "New Boobie Eve" today. The time is finally here where these painful rock hard softballs (otherwise known as tissue expanders) will be replaced by implants. I am looking forward to this surgery because these suckers haven't been very fun as as they've expanded more they've become more painful. I honestly hope that there is immediate muscle relief when they're exchanged out and that I'm able to sleep on my side again within a week. That would be heaven. We'll find out tomorrow. Till then,

Here's to ringing in the new year with new tatas!
Happy New Boobie Eve!

Boy how this week has flown!

I was really anticipating a long, painful and slow feeling week at school. Mainly because that's how I feel after any type of time off. Remarkably though, it has flown by at a speed that amazes me. Two weeks till Winter Break! Eek! So exciting! :)

Lots and lots to do this weekend and I think I'm feeling up to the challenge. Have to go through my entire wardrobe and do the yearly cleaning out, need to put my clean laundry AWAY, need to start the cookie's and put up Christmas decorations (while watching "A Christmas Story" :), take the spacers out and sweep the floor, finish up some laundry and hopefully get a workout in. I'd also like to go to Lowe's this weekend and buy the carpet and paint so the coupons that came in the mail don't get wasted. Whew! That's quite the list but I'm looking forward too it.

I'm allowing myself until about 9 o'clock, then I gotta get going. This last expander appointment is hurting more than I had expected *and* it's all on the front this time which is different from all the other fills which have made my back hurt. We still have one more to go, then the darn things have to sit for 4 weeks before they can be swapped out with the permanent implants. So much for ringing in the New Year with new tatas and a *true* end to this journey. Oh well, it is what it is.

Currently I'm feeling: Aside from the chest pain I feel great. My energy returns a bit each day.
Procrastinating: Nothing at the moment. I still have an hour before I need to start.
Reading: Ken Follet's "Fall of Giants", also "Best Friends", and "Out of the Blue"
Watching: Eclipse
Doing to make me smile: Working on *my* to-do-list today

the drains have left the building....

Hallelujha! Man those things were pesky and irritating but now they're gone and now, instead, I have two holes in the sides of my body...mmmm...yummy. I tried a burlesque style undressing for Tim in the doctor's office the other day...*laugh*...imagine me unzipping my hoodie to reveal a *SO* attractive "post-mastectomy surgery camisole", whipping out drain bulbs, then wincing as I pull the shoulder straps down (that was attractive). I think at that point, between Tim helping me get out of the thing, the drain tubes, surgical tape, gauze, paper tape, and winces of pain, I had kind of spoiled any mood other than silliness. Hahahhaa....gotta have fun when you can right?

The gal came in and asked what we were doing today, to which I told her the right drain was coming out for sure and I was hoping the left could as well but wasn't sure. SO she went of to check everything out, came back in and told us both were ready to come out! Whooppee!! Now, if you've never had drains before the idea is that they place this perforated tube in the area then run it outside your body into a drain bulb. The bulb has suction on it thus sucking or "draining" off the fluid that can collect in the area, you then strip the tube once or twice a day and empty it twice a day. One of the things I remember in the recovery room was feeling the whole area and feeling this "ridge" under my skin right under my collar bone. I asked what it was and was told it was the drain tube...hmmm...interesting; didn't think I'd be able to feel it.

So anyways, she gets it all prepped up, clips the stitches, tells me to take a big *big* breath in then as I blow it out as hard as I can she pulls the drain right out. *That*, ladies and gentlemen, felt w.e.i.r.d. with a capital W. She did the other side and the look on Tim's face each time was priceless. Poor guy...ha! But! They're gone...thank you baby jesus! This means I can drive again, AND I can go back to work. Whoo!!!!

I'm out. Hot shower time then I'm treating myself to a mani/pedi and a big tall glass of water with my friend Dana. :)

I'M CANCER FREE PEOPLE!!!

Yep, you heard (or rather read) that correctly. We knew during the surgery that the lymph-nodes that had been removed were negative at that time *but* there was still the regular, in-depth pathology report to run to really *really* make sure which way the arrow was going to go.

Dr. Ryan came in first (*so* reminds me of our friend Hupp) asked how I was feeling, to which I replied "Well, I don't know about you but my happy pills kicked in about 15minutes ago so I'm good to go"...ha!...He chuckled and asked aside from *that* how I was doing, and I really didn't have many complaints. Sure the drain sites in my sides hurt like a son of a b!tch, and the place were I can feel them above my collar bones is not only weird but tender, but other than that I'm okay.

I'm also kept on a good schedule of pain pills so that helps but damn if they don't make me loopy as all get out! I honestly don't know how there are people out there who are addicted to the type of medication I'm taking right now that take it in much higher doses and still yet can function on some level and always need more. I was relieved today when Dr. Connor said I can go down to just one Oxycodone a day and to take it at night so I don't wake up so sore in the morning. Then for just daily pain relief to take Aleve. I still have the others, just in case something happens (like when Buck decided to punch me in the chest Tuesday morning...son of a! that hurt!) or something like that but thank you sweet baby Jesus we can stop the fog inducing, drooling, sleeping, totally out of it pain protocol.

Dr. Ryan hands me a report, which is the pathology, and says "This is the pathology of your surgery, do you want me to go through it in detail or just cut to the chase?"

Ummmm, yeah, I'll just take the quick and sweet version please.... :)

"There is no evidence what-so-ever of cancer, residual cancer, nothing in the report."

I wish I could tell you there was confetti in the air, balloons and a marching band but there wasn't. More importantly there was a *big* sign of relief between Tim and I; a weight had been lifted. That big "What IF?!" question disappeared in an instant. I was going to be okay; We were going to be okay; It was all going to be okay...Life is going to be back normal most likely by Christmas. What a thing to be thankful for. What a gift. I can't wait to get there and move beyond to what's next because there's nothing that's going to stop us now. <>

So we're officially a week post-op

and I'm doing okay. It doesn't hurt to take a full breath anymore and the color of goo coming out of the drains is slowly getting lighter. Granted I think we're having a bit of an issue with the left side but Ruth didn't seem concerned about it yesterday and I've called today to ask whether or not I should come in and have received no response so I'm not going to worry about it. Shoot...100 milligrams of Cipro a day should be more than enough to knock anything out of my system.

I've had a procession of visitors and care-takers and it's been a great diversion from the monotony of the days. Granted I am spending a good portion of them asleep and anticipate that to happen for just a few more days as I still have some pain medicine to take. Can't wait to get rid of these drains, that's for sure. They weren't kidding when they said that the place where the drains go in/come out of your side would hurt the most. *Yowza* The flowers are beautiful, the get well cards are adorning my dining room table, the dog snuggles are bountiful, and Tim is earning his "Husband of the Year" award. :)

Well, the Valium and Aleve are starting to kick in so I must say it's nap time or goodness knows *what* I'll start to say!

thank you for the lovely flowers...

Thank you to everyone for the beautiful flowers. From 1st to last, RHS staff, my fabulous hubby Tim, RJ & Miranda, Lynn & Megan, the staff at HMJHS, Angie, & Dana. They have brightened up my day and made this whole thing a little more bearable. Thank you.

Four days post-op and I think I'm getting the hang of it...

A few things I've figured out since surgery day...
1) Use your ABS to sit up from bed or the chair, not your chest muscles (owie!)
2) Stay on the schedule of pain meds otherwise it hits you like a sledgehammer in the chest and that's no fun for anyone
3) Wrapping your chest in saran wrap to take a shower might sound funny but it really helps keep that whole area mostly dry while showering
4) Cleaning out the drains is not as complicated as I/we thought it would be
5) Walking the yard a couple of times a day can be quite funny to watch since my sense of balance is somewhat off from the pain meds
6) Letting other people take care of me, the house, and the dogs is very important. It's been a LONG time since I've been "incapacitated" like this and it's always been hard for me to ask other people to do things for me, but I'm getting better at it.
7) Sleeping most of the day is a necessity at least for this first week. After this week I bet I'll be able to stay awake for longer stretches of time but until then I love watching the inside of my eyelids. :)
8) Last but not least I've really learned that I have a fabulous support system around me and am beyond grateful for that.

So I'm healing well and forging ahead. Taking it easy and listening to my body. Thank you for all the well wishes, the cards, and the flowers. Everything is beautiful!

Cindy & Susan: Been wrapped up in your fabulous blanket since I've been home. Perfect!

**************************************
Currently I'm feeling: Sleepy but comfortable. Pain meds are starting to kick in
Procrastinating: hahha, pretty much everything cause I'm not allowed to do anything but rest
Reading: Still looking for a good book
Watching: FOX4 News
Doing to make me smile: Going to get another cup of coffee then nestle back down into the chair and quite possibly doze off

one night down, maybe one more to go?

So spent my first night in the hospital under the care of some very nice ladies. I am still very sore, but that's to be expected, but at least the grogginess is going away (not sure what I said under the influence of those happy drugs ha!) So, my dear followers and friends/family, I am doing just fine so far. Hopefully I will get to go home today, but if not another stay in this fancy room under the care of fabulous nurses is fine by me! I'm just glad this is part is finished and now I can concentrate on healing and getting my new boobies!

ready or not, here they go...

Well folks, the day is finally here No more thinking about it, no more wondering about it, now it's actually going to happen. So..

Goodbye girls; it's been a fun ride.
I'm sorry you have to go, but it's the best thing for everyone involved.
I'll think of you fondly as the years pass by,
and forgive me if I cry.
But I'll be strong, I always am
I'll get through this and come out better on the other side
It's just gonna be one hell of a ride.

See you all on the other side.

Pre-op appt; check. Pre-anesthesia appt; check. Post-surgery camisole; check. Knowing that I just *might* be a bionic woman...priceless!

So we had the pre-op appointment last Thursday where Dr. Connor examined me and explained to Tim and I what she's going to do, exactly, on Friday. How long it will take, how I'll feel, ya know; the basics. It's kind of nice knowing that she's going to use the same incisions from the reduction I had so there's not going to be a horizontal line in addition to everything else; that's going to heal nicer I think. She's also going to take away the lumpectomy scar and it's a for-sure I have more tattoos in my future (excited about that one :). We also got to meet the other surgeon who is going to help Dr. Connor with the mastectomy but unfortunately we didn't not get to meet the plastic surgeon again. His nurse came down and answered some of my questions and Dr. Connor filled in the rest so I feel a little better about what I'm going to be seeing when I wake up Friday afternoon.

This morning I went for my pre-anesthesia appointment where they checked me into the hospital so we don't have to do the paperwork Friday morning, a nurse poked me three times with a freaking needle (missed the vein the first time in my left then they had to draw more blood so I got poked again), I talked with the pharmacist (not as exciting as it sounds; she was going over my current med's not any I'll be getting), and got to see my friend Erin who talked to me about the anesthesia (so neat to see her all dressed in scrubs being a *real* doctor!) and highly recommended the "epidural" for my chest muscles. Don't even ask me what the name of that drug is...it has three names and the last one is Blocker, that's all I remember. It's essentially an epidural but just higher up on the back. They'll stick me along the spine with this "Blocker" which in turn will numb my chest muscles completely thus making the whole waking up and the stay in the hospital much more pleasant. Sign.me.up!

They drew blood for Dr. Connor to check my blood levels, and chem panel; then the pharmacist wanted to draw more blood to check my INR level because of the blood thinner they have me on (hence the 3 needle sticks). About 2 o'clock today I got a text from Erin that said "Why aren't you exhaused?! Holy Kriminey! Oh and eat a banana, your potassium is low"...*laugh* good to know! So naturally I ask if it's anything that's going to keep me from surgery on Friday cause sweet little baby Jesus knows that as much as I don't want to have this surgery I know it has to happen so therefore the absolutely *LAST* thing I want is for the damn thing to be pushed back. No thank you. Thankfully she tells me that it's nothing that will push the surgery back she just can't understand how I'm not sleeping 24/7 because my hemoglobin is 9 whereas normal is 12. Now, this information doesn't necessarily mean anything to me but it makes me laugh because I'm a teacher; exhaustion is a state of being for me. Ha! I'd LOVE to sleep 24/7 but it's not gonna happen.

Seriously though, exhaustion is a state of being for me. I really honestly don't feel any more tired than normal so I've deduced I must be bionic or something, but...see...then again if I really were bionic I would still be doing my yoga at 430am, and exercising after school, among other things, so maybe I'm just crazy...okay, okay, I know I'm crazy ;) I guess I just finally have an excuse or an *answer* as to why I don't have any energy to workout right now...

3 more days...

"Adieu to the Boobies"...saying goodbye to my girls in style

Yesterday's "Adieu to the Boobies" party couldn't have been better. The weather was perfect, the house was clean, the bonfire was beautiful, the dogs were amused by the kids, and the food & laughter were abundant. I am so blessed to have so many great friends and family in my life. As we march inexorably along this path towards the double mastectomy I am secure in the knowledge that there are many people marching down it with me and that I won't be alone in my grief and healing process afterwards (not that I really thought I would have been but you know what I mean). Thank you for the love last night. It was much appreciated.
(Cake courtesy of my sister Romanda. It was beyond awesome) http://preview.tinyurl.com/2a29odl

I've been thinking about the surgery a lot lately...

I was going through my calendar the other day when it hit me...*Wham!*...like a brick wall. There it was, "Friday Oct. 1st, start taking surgery meds". Then two weeks later, "Friday Oct. 15th, SURGERY DAY!" I stared at it unblinking, unthinking. "Is it already October? Aren't we only a few weeks into September?" Yeah...no. Time flew away but hurled the fact that I'm having a *Double Mastectomy with Reconstruction* right up in my face. Crap. This is really gonna happen. They're really going to take my girls away from me (and who knows how much other tissue). I'm going to go to sleep the morning of Oct. 15th with the breasts I've had since I was, what, 15? And wake up with nothing. *Maybe* an A cup, but for all I know right now I may wake up flat as a pancake. That is going to be so friggin' weird. I'm trying hard not to think about it too much because in the long run there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It has to happen. I have to go through this process to make sure I never have to go through it again (little baby Jesus willing). I have to accept it and find peace with it, which I partly do, but I mean come on it's a major mother truckin' surgery, who wouldn't have it on their mind!?

To tell the truth I'm not really worried about the surgery. I'm not worried about the healing. It's gonna suck hard, that's for sure, but I'm not worried about it. I'm not even worried about how it's all going to look in the end because I know I'll be in good hands and they'll make sure it looks fine. What I *AM* worried about is seeing myself for the first time after surgery; seeing where my girls used to be and what was left in their place. How I'm going to react, how I'm going to feel, how Tim's going to feel, how he's going to react. *That* is what I'm worried about. That is what's consuming my thoughts.

I wonder what's going to happen...

it's Sunday morning and what do I find myself doing?

Looking at bilateral mastectomy reconstruction before and after photos. Good Sunday morning to you too! Sheesh. This is pretty heavy. Please don't misunderstand me; I'm not talking about the scars, bruising, or overall pain, that I can handle, I've had a reduction and remember well those initial weeks of healing. Besides, most of the pictures I've looked at so far, 8 months or so from the first surgery you can barely see the scars. I know how to take care of that part of it and besides Tim and I are the only two who have to look at them on a regular basis and he loves me regardless so I'm not concerned about that.

What I'm concerned with is the reaction *I* am going to have that first time at home right after the surgery when I see a completely flat (or relatively so) chest with horizontal lines where the nipples should be. Now that, my friends, is going to be super weird...and scary...and sad...and possibly a little traumatic. My sense of who I am in terms of my beauty has already been tested with the loss of my hair and even though I know that in the end this is what must happen for the benefit of my long term health, and while I *also* know that in the end my body and my life will be given back to me and I'll be even stronger on the other side...it's still going to be weird, scary, sad, and a little traumatic so forgive me if I cry a bit.

You never think, when you're 13 years old or so and starting to get breasts, that someday they'll be taken away from you. Sure you may think about implants, but that's strictly a cosmetic procedure most times where a teeny tiny incision is made, the implant slipped in, you're sewn up and good to go. It's also a conscious decision a woman makes on her own. She *decides* to go through that surgery, it's not forced upon her, especially not in a bid to "save" her life. This, on the other hand, is a decision that essentially has been taken out of my hands. This entire cancer thing has been that; out of my hands and out of my control, I'm just along for the ride. I think this is something the universe is trying to teach me...

So you're 13, 14, 15 just going along when suddenly the girls appear! You're overjoyed, a little embarrassed, and slightly confounded on what to do with these things that have appeared on your chest. So you have an awkward relationship at first. Torn between wanting to show them off and wanting to cover them up. Proud to be looking more womanly, yet geeked out now you are looking more womanly! Then you move into your late teens and early twenties and start to put the girls on center stage. It was fun to explore the power that a large set of knockers (or really any set cause let's be honest...guys aren't picky ;) gave me. I was in college, I was young (oh lord was I young), and I was free. Low-cut, skin tight, glitter covered...that's how I liked 'em when we went out. What can I say...it was a phase thank goodness! :)

I then took a slightly different path from the average girl. I decided to downsize my girls. Many of you know that I had a reduction done, oh I guess it's been about 8/9 years now. Best darn thing I ever did for myself. While I won't discuss the size I was to the size I am, I will tell you that the reason I had it done was I had reached a point where I was tired of *them* always freaking being the topic of conversation, as well as the stares, and the comments. Oh the back aches, the shoulder grooves, the overall uncomfortableness in anything I wore, the awkwardness in exercising, and don't forget the permanently numb spot in my back that caused my fingers to tingle as well as the tip of my nose. With the reduction came a higher sense of self-confidence and comfort; I finally felt proportioned correctly, and more balanced overall.

So now I'm in my early thirties and was really hitting my stride in the self-confidence/beauty area, when WHAM! cancer reared it's ugly head, and I now have to reconcile myself to the fact that for whatever reason the universe has decided that I must go through this journey and experience of losing the one thing that really and truly defines you as being womanly...my girls. I know, I know...my boobs don't define me, and as I stated above I know it needs to be done and in the end I'll have them back (and hopefully be rockin'!)...it's just gonna be one weird ride with many tears. Before you judge, I suggest you explore feelings of what you would think/how you would feel if you had to go through the same thing...I bet you'd feel pretty similar to me.

If you wish to view before ad after pictures of women who have gone before me, here's a link. http://www.smartplasticsurgery.com/reconstruction/photos.html Please note that these are post-surgery pictures of the nude breast. As a public school teacher I feel I must state that I am in no way putting porn on my blog. These are medical pictures of women who have had bilateral mastectomy's with reconstruction. This link is posted for educational purposes only. I believe all women and girls need to be educated on all stages of a breast cancer journey. This is one of them.

***********************
Currently I'm feeling: Good but being lazy so I'm a bit sleepy
Procrastinating: Cutting Oops passes, cleaning and the grocery store
Reading: In between books at the moment. Any suggestions?
Watching: "Fact of Faked; Paranormal Files"
Doing to make me smile: Getting ready to go upstairs to take a bath then do a nice long yoga practice

first week down and I'm completely bushed...

but it is a good kind of tired; at least for now. Chemo number 5 up next Friday so I better enjoy the "good" time I have left cause then another week of the chemo ickies is in store.

Speaking of a "good time", got my packet of info concerning my surgery from the plastic surgeon. I remember reading through something similar when I had my reduction done 9 years ago...this is gonna be fun. Ha! Two weeks before the surgery I have to start squirting an antibiotic ointment up my nose twice a day and I have to start taking Cipro (antibiotic) twice a day. Then the night before and the morning of surgery I have to scrub head to toe with an antibiotic body wash (and man that stuff stinks). The Cipro will continue for two weeks after the surgery among other prescriptions I'm sure. The bruising will be significant, the incisions are gonna hurt like hell and I'll be in a sports bra for months. The only thing that will be significantly different for me this time is that I will have drains for 10 days; I didn't have those with the reduction so that shall be interesting. Because of the drains I *have* to be out of school for 10 days. I plan on taking an entire two weeks off from school, then hopefully I can return after that. We'll see. I know it's all necessary but damn I'm gonna be sore for quite a while. *sigh* I'll do what I need to do in order to heal and not make anything worse but I don't want to be gone for too long.

talked to a guy about a new pair of boobs today...

Funny. I never thought I'd be one to have fake boobies....but come October I will be and the process is going to take a LOT longer than I had originally anticipated. *sigh* That's a bummer. I had thought that it would be "simple", ya know, remove the old, replace it with the new, give me a couple of weeks to heal then back to normal life! WRONG! Yes they will remove the old but the "new" will be tissue-expanders that I will have to have pumped up every week or so for six weeks in order to stretch out the skin to make room for the long-term implant. This just sounds *lovely*! THEN I get to have the surgery where they replace the expanders with the long term implant and I'll have to heal from that. All told SIX WEEKS of healing. Sheesh. Six weeks away from school? Anyone understand FMLA cause I'm thinking this is something I'll need to look into. This is all so damn inconvenient, frustrating,and anxiety-inducing. The myriad of questions that arise in my brain threaten to overtake me. I think I need to take a nap.