11 years of teaching...

9 more days until my 11th year of teaching wraps up. I honestly can not believe it. It does not seem possible yet here I am staring down the home stretch of my 11th year. Wow.

So many changes have taken place in my personal life and the biggest one in my professional life is on the horizon. It's really really official now. I've signed the contract. I'm gathering the necessary info I need and making purchases for next year. I am, for real, teaching band AND orchestra next year and I couldn't be more excited and scared at the same time.

I know I can do this. I know I have a LOT to prove, mainly to myself but also to others, however I don't think I would have been given this assignment were there any shadow of a doubt in any of the higher ups mind's about me.

This is truly MY time and I intend to run with it and rock it out like no other. This is truly a spontaneous evolution about to take place and I hope you're along for the ride.

Post-it, anyone?

Ever since this crazy journey into parenthood began, I find I only have time for the basics of my life and blogging apparently has not been one seeing as it seen almost a full year since my last post. 

I mean. Let's get real. The most I write daily are the continuous passes on post-its to the bathroom and the nurse for my precious forgetful students who are navigating the perils of middle school.  

Yet here I find myself after a long hiatus with a head full of things to say, changes taking place, stories being rewritten, and not a post-it to be had.  Funny how life can change in the blink of an eye, isn't it.

18 and a half months ago JP changed our world forever and brought us to a place I never imagined, yet I hoped for, and one that I don't think I'll ever understand again because it's so amazing and confusing and frightening and exhilirating all at the same!  

Now, once again my professional life is changing and I couldn't be more thrilled, trepidatious, scared, overwhelmed, and pleased all at the same time.

I say "most likely" because even though the rumor was confirmed, I still don't have a contract in my hand so I don't want to get to far in, ya know?

However...

I am most likely embarking on a journey that is shall test me like never before.  I most likely will be teaching a full class load of strings *and* band...with the potential of no travel.  

Say what. 

Am I *FINALLY* being given the opportunity I've been aching for, for over a decade?  Have I finally been recognized as a strong, competent, organized, successful teacher?  Or is the power of my daily illusion in full force. 

This is going to be my time to shine. My time to prove to MYSELF that I can do this and I can do it well. Time to rid those whispers in the corners of my mind and do what I know how to do so well. 

Teach. 

So there it is. A new chapter is being formed and we have so many good things to look forward to. Our little boy is growing strong and racing towards 2. Our marriage and relationship are approaching significant milestones. We have been through so much and have come out stronger on the other side; and my career is taking yet another twist. 

I can't wait to see how it all plays out. 

The kindness of strangers

Approximately seven months ago I stumbled upon a group of ladies from a birth board I frequented on a regular basis. We all had just had babies around the same time and the majority of us are first time moms with some veterans sprinkled in for sage advice. 

The bond we have formed has taken us through drama, pain, tears, frustrations, joys, happiness, fears, and elation at watching all of our babies grow up "together". 

I go to these ladies whenever I have a question about JP, need to vent about life, have a joy to share, and of course to check on them and share in the never ending conversation. 

These ladies are a never-ending source of inspiration and support for me, one I didn't even know I needed, and for that I am eternally grateful. 

To know that these women live inside my phone and are there 24/7 for me no matter what, is a kindness I will never be able to repay. 

These girls, women, mothers, pulled together and gave me a birthday present I was never expecting. From the kindness of strangers a gift I am undeserving of but am deeply grateful for. 

This group...my group...our group. We are powerful, we are women, we are mothers, we are friends. For their kindness, friendship, and support I am undeserving yet forever grateful. 

I love you all. 

Goodbye to my dream

I've said goodbye and its not easy to do. I've swallowed my pride and put my dream aside to take a different path. Had you met me ten years ago, this direction I am taking, I would have scoffed at. I would have said "You're crazy! I'm not going to do that!"...but time has worn me down and I have realized its for the best. I didn't land somewhere with someone who would help me realize my dream and I let to much time slip away from me as I stewed about in a pool of frustration day in and day out.

I bit my tongue, I hid my face and silently prayed for the day that would be mine. I prayed for a time for me to shine and to do what I knew was best, but it wasn't to be. For whatever reason, the divine spirits that reside above have seen fit to push me down a different path and while I am grateful for the opportunity, it's extremely sad to see the dream go. 

"Think positively" they say. "Don't give up" they yell. "Your time will come" they champion; but what they don't know is that it's passed me by. I feel it, deep down inside and I know it to be true. 

Maybe I should have studied harder in school. Maybe I should have finished my Master's degree before taking that first job, maybe I should have subbed for a while. Maybe, maybe, maybe. All the maybes in the world won't change the fact that my dream is now an empty whisper thrown to the winds and gone just as fast. 

My heart breaks and my soul cries right now and that's okay. I am allowed to grieve because no one knows how much it hurts except me.  No one will ever know the heartache, the tears spilled silently behind closed doors, the frustration pounding in every fiber of my being, or the overwhelming sense of loss I feel. 

I know that in the end it will be okay and I will continue to do wonderful things and touch many students lives in the process; but maybe, *just* maybe this new path will take me to where I want to be. 

I certainly hope so. 

He sleeps...

He lays on me, his second nap of the day, deep in sleep while the clock ticks. It's almost time for bedtime routine when his sweet clean face will gaze with wonder as I read his books and make funny noises, then the squeals and squawks begin as he knows his food is near. The light goes out, the sound machine takes over, and his contentment oozes out like a palpable blanket that descends upon us both. Slowly his hand finds my face and squeezes lightly as his other scratches against his chest...he likes the noise.

With vigor he eats then abruptly stops and nuzzles into my chest, sucking his lips and cooing to himself. He finds my heart and places an ear, what a familiar sound it must be to hear.

Slowly he descends into sleep as I rock us both in steady cadence to the rhythmic thumps I give to his back. All the worries, all the frustrations, and all my cares simply disappear as I hold my son while he sleeps. I know tomorrow will be more of the same highs and lows that come with this pint sized package nestled snugly against me, even now as he takes his evening nap.

This little person who has turned our lives upside down and inside out is the best thing to ever happen to us. The love I have for him is deeper, broader, and fuller than I ever imagined and I wouldn't have it any other way.

This woman

The house is so quiet as the snow falls outside. My son sleeps heavily, making snuffling noises as he rubs his face into his bed. The warm coffee caresses my throat as I savor that first delicious taste. My husband works for the safety of others but I wish he was in bed next to me instead.

We've been married almost 8 years, this man and I, and it is remarkable to think of the journey we have been through so far. Lesser couples would have crumbled. We have persevered through our trials and come out stronger on the other side.

My son whimpers. I freeze, eyes glued to the monitor. Is he waking up? Part of me hopes so. Part of me hopes to enjoy this little slice of solitude a while longer.

He fell back asleep.

This man with whom I have chosen to spend my life with I have not always been fair to. I've looked at him with contempt and through the lenses of "how inept can you be", but I have also seen him through the viewfinder of pure blinding love, and see the goodness rooted deep inside. His gentle nature, his need to take care of us, and his need to be taken care of. His smile, his warmth, and his laugh can be strangers at times but when they decide to show up they are ever so welcome to stay.

My son and my husband. My husband and my son. Two men who complete me. Complete our life. They give me a purpose and a reason for existing, for drawing breath. My husband hears my heart from the outside, my son knows it from inside. No-one can ever know me better. No-one can ever complete me more.

The silence continues. I take another taste of my coffee, and as the warmth slides into my body I sit back and realize how very lucky I truly am because I am a woman who loves and is loved in return.

It doesn't get any better than that.

A new year with new adventures

**Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013!!**

As we move on into this new year, as always, it's a time to reflect, reorganize, and figure out what intentions are to be made for the new year.   

 

2012 brought us, of course, the greatest gift we have ever or will ever receive; our son, JP.  He is now 3 and a half months old (15weeks 2days as I type this), and is on the move...for the most part.  He's rolling over both ways, trying to sit, waving his arms, kicking his legs, jabbering up a storm, and playing with his play gyms like nobody's business!  




 


His face lights up and he smiles when he sees us, and our hearts burst with love when he laughs at our antics.  He's growing into a little person and it is breathtaking knowing we were granted with this precious soul to guard, nurture, and love. 

  








JP is truly amazing, and we are both thoroughly enjoying him, and our evolution into this new role as parents.  I'm grounded, I'm centered, and I'm present.  This is what it's all about folks.  This is what it's all about.  Bring it, 2013...I'm ready...*we're* ready.