The kindness of strangers

Approximately seven months ago I stumbled upon a group of ladies from a birth board I frequented on a regular basis. We all had just had babies around the same time and the majority of us are first time moms with some veterans sprinkled in for sage advice. 

The bond we have formed has taken us through drama, pain, tears, frustrations, joys, happiness, fears, and elation at watching all of our babies grow up "together". 

I go to these ladies whenever I have a question about JP, need to vent about life, have a joy to share, and of course to check on them and share in the never ending conversation. 

These ladies are a never-ending source of inspiration and support for me, one I didn't even know I needed, and for that I am eternally grateful. 

To know that these women live inside my phone and are there 24/7 for me no matter what, is a kindness I will never be able to repay. 

These girls, women, mothers, pulled together and gave me a birthday present I was never expecting. From the kindness of strangers a gift I am undeserving of but am deeply grateful for. 

This group...my group...our group. We are powerful, we are women, we are mothers, we are friends. For their kindness, friendship, and support I am undeserving yet forever grateful. 

I love you all. 

Goodbye to my dream

I've said goodbye and its not easy to do. I've swallowed my pride and put my dream aside to take a different path. Had you met me ten years ago, this direction I am taking, I would have scoffed at. I would have said "You're crazy! I'm not going to do that!"...but time has worn me down and I have realized its for the best. I didn't land somewhere with someone who would help me realize my dream and I let to much time slip away from me as I stewed about in a pool of frustration day in and day out.

I bit my tongue, I hid my face and silently prayed for the day that would be mine. I prayed for a time for me to shine and to do what I knew was best, but it wasn't to be. For whatever reason, the divine spirits that reside above have seen fit to push me down a different path and while I am grateful for the opportunity, it's extremely sad to see the dream go. 

"Think positively" they say. "Don't give up" they yell. "Your time will come" they champion; but what they don't know is that it's passed me by. I feel it, deep down inside and I know it to be true. 

Maybe I should have studied harder in school. Maybe I should have finished my Master's degree before taking that first job, maybe I should have subbed for a while. Maybe, maybe, maybe. All the maybes in the world won't change the fact that my dream is now an empty whisper thrown to the winds and gone just as fast. 

My heart breaks and my soul cries right now and that's okay. I am allowed to grieve because no one knows how much it hurts except me.  No one will ever know the heartache, the tears spilled silently behind closed doors, the frustration pounding in every fiber of my being, or the overwhelming sense of loss I feel. 

I know that in the end it will be okay and I will continue to do wonderful things and touch many students lives in the process; but maybe, *just* maybe this new path will take me to where I want to be. 

I certainly hope so. 

He sleeps...

He lays on me, his second nap of the day, deep in sleep while the clock ticks. It's almost time for bedtime routine when his sweet clean face will gaze with wonder as I read his books and make funny noises, then the squeals and squawks begin as he knows his food is near. The light goes out, the sound machine takes over, and his contentment oozes out like a palpable blanket that descends upon us both. Slowly his hand finds my face and squeezes lightly as his other scratches against his chest...he likes the noise.

With vigor he eats then abruptly stops and nuzzles into my chest, sucking his lips and cooing to himself. He finds my heart and places an ear, what a familiar sound it must be to hear.

Slowly he descends into sleep as I rock us both in steady cadence to the rhythmic thumps I give to his back. All the worries, all the frustrations, and all my cares simply disappear as I hold my son while he sleeps. I know tomorrow will be more of the same highs and lows that come with this pint sized package nestled snugly against me, even now as he takes his evening nap.

This little person who has turned our lives upside down and inside out is the best thing to ever happen to us. The love I have for him is deeper, broader, and fuller than I ever imagined and I wouldn't have it any other way.

This woman

The house is so quiet as the snow falls outside. My son sleeps heavily, making snuffling noises as he rubs his face into his bed. The warm coffee caresses my throat as I savor that first delicious taste. My husband works for the safety of others but I wish he was in bed next to me instead.

We've been married almost 8 years, this man and I, and it is remarkable to think of the journey we have been through so far. Lesser couples would have crumbled. We have persevered through our trials and come out stronger on the other side.

My son whimpers. I freeze, eyes glued to the monitor. Is he waking up? Part of me hopes so. Part of me hopes to enjoy this little slice of solitude a while longer.

He fell back asleep.

This man with whom I have chosen to spend my life with I have not always been fair to. I've looked at him with contempt and through the lenses of "how inept can you be", but I have also seen him through the viewfinder of pure blinding love, and see the goodness rooted deep inside. His gentle nature, his need to take care of us, and his need to be taken care of. His smile, his warmth, and his laugh can be strangers at times but when they decide to show up they are ever so welcome to stay.

My son and my husband. My husband and my son. Two men who complete me. Complete our life. They give me a purpose and a reason for existing, for drawing breath. My husband hears my heart from the outside, my son knows it from inside. No-one can ever know me better. No-one can ever complete me more.

The silence continues. I take another taste of my coffee, and as the warmth slides into my body I sit back and realize how very lucky I truly am because I am a woman who loves and is loved in return.

It doesn't get any better than that.

A new year with new adventures

**Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013!!**

As we move on into this new year, as always, it's a time to reflect, reorganize, and figure out what intentions are to be made for the new year.   

 

2012 brought us, of course, the greatest gift we have ever or will ever receive; our son, JP.  He is now 3 and a half months old (15weeks 2days as I type this), and is on the move...for the most part.  He's rolling over both ways, trying to sit, waving his arms, kicking his legs, jabbering up a storm, and playing with his play gyms like nobody's business!  




 


His face lights up and he smiles when he sees us, and our hearts burst with love when he laughs at our antics.  He's growing into a little person and it is breathtaking knowing we were granted with this precious soul to guard, nurture, and love. 

  








JP is truly amazing, and we are both thoroughly enjoying him, and our evolution into this new role as parents.  I'm grounded, I'm centered, and I'm present.  This is what it's all about folks.  This is what it's all about.  Bring it, 2013...I'm ready...*we're* ready.

Three more days with my little JP...

afternoon snuggle nap

Ugh, is it really that time already?  I'm ready but I'm not.  I want to go back, but I don't.  I'm okay with it, but then I get sad.  What am I talking about?  Going back to work and placing my little JP in Lauren's care during the day...Friday.

:(



I know he'll be taken care of very well, but how can you, as a mother, be okay with basically saying to someone else, "Here.  I want you to snuggle my little baby all day, feed him, change him, and watch him grow"...you can't really...but you have to be.  Logically I know he'll be fine.  I know he'll miss me, and I'll miss him, but I also know that he'll be happy to be back in my arms at the end of the day and I'm sure once we get into the day in/day out routine of it all I'll be glad to be back at work and be thankful for all of the love, attention, and growth he is going to get from Lauren and her family.

*sigh* It just makes me sad.

I could play the game of "Had I never" all I like going as far back as college to change my situation.  Had I never racked up all that college credit card debt, had I never added too it when I got my first job, I'd be able to stay home longer on unpaid leave because I wouldn't be paying off debt.

Then there's the doozie..."Had I never gotten breast cancer, I would have had enough sick days to stay home till January"...but you can't play this game with that one now can you.  That's not fair.

morning snuggle nest

SO...instead, I stare at my dining room table as I slowly accumulate the things that need to go over to Lauren's to ensure his, what, his growth?  Stability?  Love? Cleanliness? Happiness?  and it makes me sad to see that pile growing knowing that in three short days I will be dropping his snuggle butt off at her house at 630 in the morning, knowing he's going to go into his morning sleep and she'll get the benefit of those snuggles instead of me :( 








I'll just have to get them back in the afternoon when I race out of school to go pick him up and scoop him up in my arms.  I only hope he smiles and coos at me when I see him for that first time.  I hope...

      

A glorious six week ride...

The most important thing to remember through this whole experience...it's like Fight Club: the only rule is that there are no rules. (lucieslist.com).  This could also say "The only rules are the baby's rules" *laugh*.

We are settling into this parenthood gig rather well, and thankfully have reached the 6week milestone where, *supposedly*, his periods of fussy crying are starting to decrease, which is fantastic.  Not that it's a bad thing for him to fuss, it's just hard when we can't fix the problem, and as Tim says, "I don't like it when he cries".  I will say, however, that I am reading him a LOT better than I was even last week.  The easy one is "HEY!  Mom!  I'm hungry!".  The second cry I've deciphered is the "WHERE DID YOU GO?! I need you!" and/or "WHERE ARE YOU?!  I need some snuggles!!"  He also has a fake cry already, which I find absolutely hilarious, and of course there is the "I just need to cry and there's nothing you can do to stop me"...although I employ the tight hold/head jiggle maneuver, *or* plop him into the moby wrap and that settles him down within minutes everytime.  #mommywin.

I'm also beginning to get a feel for his "schedule".  Note I said, HIS schedule, not mine.  To be sure, I've read many books that spout the benefits of putting him on a "strict" schedule and sticking too it no matter what.  I've also read about the benefits of "on demand" and have decided on this...JP knows what JP needs when JP needs it and I can try all I want to adapt him to *my* schedule, but in the end it's going to be on his time.  

Thankfully he's like me and has a penchant for order.  I can now anticipate when he's going to be hungry, and when he just needs some snuggles (430am anyone?).  I know how long he can stay awake before getting overstimulated & consequently overtired, and when he needs to go down for a nap.   

We are also rolling over!  How exciting is that?!  He's gonna be mobile in no time and I can't wait.  Enjoy the video!

So, six weeks in and many more to go.  Enjoying the ride every single second.  

Happy Six Weeks JP!