Three more days with my little JP...

afternoon snuggle nap

Ugh, is it really that time already?  I'm ready but I'm not.  I want to go back, but I don't.  I'm okay with it, but then I get sad.  What am I talking about?  Going back to work and placing my little JP in Lauren's care during the day...Friday.

:(



I know he'll be taken care of very well, but how can you, as a mother, be okay with basically saying to someone else, "Here.  I want you to snuggle my little baby all day, feed him, change him, and watch him grow"...you can't really...but you have to be.  Logically I know he'll be fine.  I know he'll miss me, and I'll miss him, but I also know that he'll be happy to be back in my arms at the end of the day and I'm sure once we get into the day in/day out routine of it all I'll be glad to be back at work and be thankful for all of the love, attention, and growth he is going to get from Lauren and her family.

*sigh* It just makes me sad.

I could play the game of "Had I never" all I like going as far back as college to change my situation.  Had I never racked up all that college credit card debt, had I never added too it when I got my first job, I'd be able to stay home longer on unpaid leave because I wouldn't be paying off debt.

Then there's the doozie..."Had I never gotten breast cancer, I would have had enough sick days to stay home till January"...but you can't play this game with that one now can you.  That's not fair.

morning snuggle nest

SO...instead, I stare at my dining room table as I slowly accumulate the things that need to go over to Lauren's to ensure his, what, his growth?  Stability?  Love? Cleanliness? Happiness?  and it makes me sad to see that pile growing knowing that in three short days I will be dropping his snuggle butt off at her house at 630 in the morning, knowing he's going to go into his morning sleep and she'll get the benefit of those snuggles instead of me :( 








I'll just have to get them back in the afternoon when I race out of school to go pick him up and scoop him up in my arms.  I only hope he smiles and coos at me when I see him for that first time.  I hope...

      

A glorious six week ride...

The most important thing to remember through this whole experience...it's like Fight Club: the only rule is that there are no rules. (lucieslist.com).  This could also say "The only rules are the baby's rules" *laugh*.

We are settling into this parenthood gig rather well, and thankfully have reached the 6week milestone where, *supposedly*, his periods of fussy crying are starting to decrease, which is fantastic.  Not that it's a bad thing for him to fuss, it's just hard when we can't fix the problem, and as Tim says, "I don't like it when he cries".  I will say, however, that I am reading him a LOT better than I was even last week.  The easy one is "HEY!  Mom!  I'm hungry!".  The second cry I've deciphered is the "WHERE DID YOU GO?! I need you!" and/or "WHERE ARE YOU?!  I need some snuggles!!"  He also has a fake cry already, which I find absolutely hilarious, and of course there is the "I just need to cry and there's nothing you can do to stop me"...although I employ the tight hold/head jiggle maneuver, *or* plop him into the moby wrap and that settles him down within minutes everytime.  #mommywin.

I'm also beginning to get a feel for his "schedule".  Note I said, HIS schedule, not mine.  To be sure, I've read many books that spout the benefits of putting him on a "strict" schedule and sticking too it no matter what.  I've also read about the benefits of "on demand" and have decided on this...JP knows what JP needs when JP needs it and I can try all I want to adapt him to *my* schedule, but in the end it's going to be on his time.  

Thankfully he's like me and has a penchant for order.  I can now anticipate when he's going to be hungry, and when he just needs some snuggles (430am anyone?).  I know how long he can stay awake before getting overstimulated & consequently overtired, and when he needs to go down for a nap.   

We are also rolling over!  How exciting is that?!  He's gonna be mobile in no time and I can't wait.  Enjoy the video!

So, six weeks in and many more to go.  Enjoying the ride every single second.  

Happy Six Weeks JP!

 
 

We're still married and he's still alive! *High Five!*

Sept. 21st, 2012

I jest, I jest....but not really *laugh* 

We *have* made it one month into this new journey called parenthood, are still married, and our little boy is still alive, seemingly happy, fed, diapered, and clothed.  That's quite an accomplishment!  Of course there have been a few meltdowns, on both our parts, a lack of sleep, a constant worry over whether or not we're doing the right thing, fussy times, and the battle marks of spit-up and pee...*but*... more importantly there's been laughs, smiles, tears of joy, snuggles, and moments of triumph to make up for it all.  It's been fabulous.  As for the next month, I look forward to every curve ball that being a FTM/FTP wants to throw at me.  I may cry, or I may power through, but I know this too be true...I'll do it with Tim by my side and our families one step behind and we'll figure it out.  So let's get rollin' on this next month, Punkin'!  I'm sure it's going to be glorious :)

Oct. 21st, 2012

    

"Baby wants what Baby wants when Baby wants it...

and it's your job, as parents, to figure out what that is."

These were words that my oldest sister said too me the other day on the phone when I called in tears because I wasn't sure I was doing the right things for JP.  I was concerned that he wasn't getting enough visual stimulation, or tummy time, or awake time, or sleep time, or, or, or...I mean, come on, let's get real.  What FTM (First Time Mom) *doesn't* worry about these things?  Do I *truly* believe that I am going to somehow emotionally, mentally, physiologically, or educationally disable my child?  Of course not, but as a FTM I want to make sure I'm doing the right things for him.  

These words have stuck with me.  Her following statement of "try this, try that, and try other things, then if that doesn't work put him in the car and go for a drive.  Give him a change of scenery, sometimes that's all they need" have stuck with me as well.  It's true.  nothing is going to work the same way twice.  Sure, the "5 S's" (Swaddle, Side, Swing, Shush, Suck) are proving to be *extremely* useful and work about 90-95% of the time, so it's that tricky 5% that we have to try everything else.

Is he hot...undress him.

That didn't work...

Is he cold?  Dress him again.

That didn't work either...damn...
 


Change the diaper...offer him food...employ the 5 S's...walk around...sing...jiggle...put in swing...take out of swing...give him a pacifier...give him a bath ...go outside...come inside...turn him over to other parent...leave him alone...pick him back up...try to snuggle in bed...try to snuggle in the chair...try...try...try...

The calm after the cranky

The bright spot too it all?  SOMETHING *will* eventually work and we will have tamed the savage beast for the moment.  This morning when he was cranky from 4-630am it took Tim turning him over to me around 545, I plopped him into his swing which worked for about 20minutes.  He then started fussin' again so I swaddled his tiny hiney as tightly as I could, held him as tightly as I could, jiggled him as "vigorously" as I could while "SHHHHHHH!"-ing right in his ear and within moments he relaxed and within minutes he gave me the contented sigh.  I then maneuvered both of us into the chair, covered us up with blankets, positioned the pillows and we both slept.

For half an hour.  *laugh*

He then woke up because he was hungry, which I had anticipated before drifting off so it was okay.  I fed, burped, and changed him, then we both fell back asleep until 9am.  Successful mommy moment.  Then this afternoon after his 2o'clock bottle, he wanted to be cranky and the only thing that worked was holding him up on my shoulder, patting his back, while bouncing up and down and "shhhh!"-ing in his ear.  He then quickly let me know, after I put him down to give myself a break, that the ONLY PLACE he wanted to be was on my chest and so up again he went.  He was gracious enough to give me enough time in his bassinet to go upstairs and grab some food and scarf about half of it down before he started grumbling, saying too me "Hey.  Mom.  I want to snuggle...NOW!" *laugh*  And so here we sit, finally.  He is sleeping comfortably on my chest and I am enjoying all the wonderful smells and sounds that go along with that and wondering what will work the next time he gets cranky.

Only JP knows, and he's not tellin' anyone...at least not yet. ;)    

Happy 3 weeks JP. You are my everything.

3weeks

Happy 3 weeks to our baby boy.  This song describes exactly how I feel.  Love you.

"You Are" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson

 

The sunlight on my shoulders,

the smile on my face.

My secret weapon, 

my favorite place.

The reason my heart skips a beat,

the broom that sweeps me off my feet.
 

A gentle inspiration,

my weary soul's salvation, 

the half that makes me whole. 

The gravity that grounds me,

the arms I want around me,

never letting go.
 

I've lived, I've lived enough, 

To know what is, and what's not.

You are...you are.
 

All the love I wanna make,

Every breath that I wanna take. 

The rush that's runnin', down my spine.

The touch that takes me every time.

 
An innocent seduction, oh I can't get enough and,

can't help but let it show.

I lose all my composure, I'm totally exposing   

the reason I let go... 

I've lived, I've lived enough 

I know what is, and what's not. 

You are...you are
 

My every hope, 

My every dream, 

You are my everything!

I've lived, I've lived enough,

I know what is, and I know what's not. 

You are...you are...you are
 

The sunlight on my shoulders,

the smile on my face.

My secret weapon,

 my favorite place...

Sept. 21st, 2012

 

 

It's Bliss...

Or is it just me.

JP is fabulous, and even his fussy moments don't tense me out (aside from the "DON'T BATHE ME!!" cry, oy, that one's a doozie).  I feel a sense of completion too my life. I feel very satisfied and rooted in everything I do with him, for him. I don't mind getting up at night to be with him. I don't mind 

changing his diapers, even the poopy ones which he seems to be blessing only me with *laugh*. I don't mind the spit-up, and revel in the closeness of the burps. The snuggles and snuffles, the smells and facial expressions, the drool and the pee, or rather the getting peed *on*...*laugh*, I don't mind any of it at all.

 

 

 

 

 

It's bliss. < 3

 

 

 

 

 

I'm still anxious about things, for sure, and worried about our finances but somehow, and I don't know how, but somehow, we are going to make it through everything and come out on the other side stronger for it. I can feel it deep down inside. 

 

 

 

 

 

It's bliss. < 3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm sure there are hard, difficult, frustrating & scary times yet too be had, but I wouldn't change a single second of a single moment of a single day. From the moment I saw those two lines, to today when I got the chance too show him off @ the restaurant I bartend at. Too taking him to the grocery store *by myself* for the first time ever in either of our lives and I made it. I didn't drop him, I didn't bump the cart but once, even though I was nervous I was going to do something stupid & anyone who saw was going to shake their heads at me in disappointment.
 

 

 

 

But I didn't.

I made it.

It's bliss. < 3

 

 

 

 

 

Looking into my husband's face and watching him fall a little more in love with JP everyday is amazing.  Realizing that I'm falling for him all over again while at the same time experiencing a new fountain of love spring forth inside myself is something all together.  Having these guys in my corner for the rest of my life...

 

 

 

 

 

It's bliss < 3

 

 

 

 

Finally, I know it's going to be really hard to go back to work in November and leave him in someone else's arms for 9 -12 hours a day depending on the day, but I know he's going to a good place & will learn wonderful things while he's there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So for now I am going to continue enjoying this wonderful journey of loving and nurturing my son, and discovering myself as a mother because quite truthfully it's the only thing I want to do right now or for the rest of my life.

It's bliss < 3

May we introduce our love...

James Porter LeRoy Stout was born Friday, Sept. 21st, at 3:38pm.  He weighed 8lbs 8oz, and is 21" long.  

Here is our story...

Thursday afternoon at a *very* pregnant 39weeks, 5 days, I went to my regular doctor's appointment hoping for some progress in the dilation department, only to find there was none.  So, the resident who checked me offered to "Sweep my membranes", which if you don't know, means to separate the cervix from the amniotic sac, this can sometimes kick-start labor, and I thought, "Sure what can it hurt?"

So she did.

Later that evening I started having the "crampiness" that comes with having that procedure done, but didn't think anything off it seeing as it was nothing time-able or breath-taking, so I went about my business and prepared myself to go to work in the morning.  I went to bed that night thinking too myself "Damnit, I'm going to wake up pregnant tomorrow" but also thinking that I had reached my goal of finishing out my entire pregnancy and working the entire time at school, and was pretty proud of myself.  Little did I know that JP was gearing up to let me know he was ready to come out and greet the world.

At 1:30 Friday morning, I was woken up by Buck for our regular get up and pee time.  For the past week or so I had been waking up at that time having incredible pressure before and after using the restroom.  I'd usually shift around in bed for a bit and then fall back asleep afterwards, no big deal.  This time the pressure came back after about 20minutes...then around 215am, the pressure started coming back every 10minutes...and I thought "Hmmmm...that's interesting".  So about 3am I finally couldn't handle laying down anymore and decided to get up, have some coffee, and walk around to figure out what was happening.  I mean, I've never done this before...is this it?  Is this just false labor or unbearable gas? *laugh*  All I know is that at 3am the pressure started coming 5-6 minutes apart and by the time I called the after hours doctor's number at 3:45 or so, they were anywhere from 4-6 minutes apart.

I was in labor, and I knew it.

So I talked with the doctor and after asking me how far apart the contractions were, she asked me how far along I was.  My reply "He's due tomorrow" brought about an "Oh!  Well then, yes you need to come in.  You're in labor!" 

So up the stairs I went, stopping every now and then to let some "Owie, owie, owie, owie!"'s out, and deep breath a bit.  I made it too the bedroom and shook Tim awake.  "Peter, this is *not* a drill".  "Huh? What?!" as he sat straight up from a deep sleep.  "This is not a drill honey, we need to go to the hospital, I'm in labor."

And away we went. 

We arrived about 5am and got checked in.  At this point I had been experiencing pretty darn intense contractions for 3 and a half hours.  I can honestly say, now, that I'd had *plenty* of time with those mothertruckers and was MORE than ready for that blessed epidural.  More than ready...but alas we still had some time to wait in triage to be assessed & whatnot.  Tim was amazing during that time.  I vaguely remember him brushing my forehead & kissing my hand as I gripped the railing of the bed as a contraction ripped through me and left me breathless, exhausted & wanting to puke from the pain.  Then he figured out how to read the contractions waves on the monitor & would talk me through each one telling me when the worst was over then squeezing my hand and whispering "You're doing good babe, you're doing good".  

Finally at 715am we were admitted, we met our two nurses (who were *ah-may-zing!* by the way), and then were taken up too a birthing room but I barely remember the ride as I rode out wave after wave of contraction, gripping the rails of the bed the entire time.  They got me in bed & hooked me up too the monitors for contractions & JP's heartbeat.  That sound was one of the only things I was able to focus on for the next few hours as I progressed through more contractions anxiously awaiting the arrival of the magic men with the magic drug.  Contractions are absolutely NO fun at all and I give *major* props to ALL of the women out there who do the entire labor & delivery drug free.  I bow in humbleness to your womanly prowress.  7 & 1/2 hours of contractions was MORE than enough for me.  Hell, who am I kidding; the first *hour* was enough. *sheepish laughter*

Finally the magic man arrived, explained everything and I remember in the midst of a "puker" contraction as I was squeezing Tim's fingers so hard I was afraid I was hurting him telling the magic man that "I just don't care about that I just want the drugs please!" (at least I said please ;)  He chuckled, explained the rest, had me sign, then called his attending to get the ball rolling.  A short while later & one almost passed out Tim (thanks again Marcia for taking care of him and thanks to Amber & Jordan for talking me through the epidural procedure & the 4 mind-blowing contractions during it), I was pain free, coherent, able too open my eyes, and smile for the first time since I woke up that morning.

Thank you magic-men...

From there on out, everything progressed in a fairly normal manner for a FTM in labor.  I progressed from a 3 to a 5 fairly quickly, then they broke my water to help things along cause I had stalled for a while.  We both napped for a bit after that, then after checking me again, they decided to start a pitocin drip to help my contractions pick up & therefore my progress to stop stalling.  Then the first scary moment.  JP didn't like that pitocin at all.  As Marcia said too me, "He's not enjoying being squeezed so frequently and is letting us know with his heartbeat, but don't worry he's just fine."  This was after what seemed like a hundred people swooped into the room & started flipping me from one position to the other, then leaving me on hands & knees with my head down for 5 minutes.  Marcia was my angel as I kneeled there, scared & crying cause I thought something terrible had happened.  After 5 minutes, everything was fine.  I was fine, JP was fine, and I had progressed to an 8.

So we relaxed & visited with family & my bestie, Mischa.  *So* stinkin' glad she was there, she entertained Tim and calmed me down.  I can't imagine my life without my bestest friend of some 19 years < 3 ya girl. 

They came back in to check me & I was complete & ready to go but then JP decided to scare us all again & drop his heartbeat again.  "This side! That side! Hands & knees!" oof it was scary but also incredibly frustrating because not only was I hooked up with so many wires that I was getting tangled, but I couldn't really move my left leg without assistance & there was one nurse in particular who wasn't very nice but hey, I survived, and so did he.

At this point, the delivering doctor (not one of my OB's) was convinced I wasn't going to be able to deliver JP the "natural" way.  She was convinced he was over 9lbs with really huge shoulders and she didn't feel comfortable using forceps or a vacuum in getting him out so we may be looking at a c-section.  At that point, on my hands and knees, I didn't care, I just wanted him to be okay.  Then Marcia was there whispering to me that everything was okay and he'd be coming out the natural way.  God bless her.
 
They flipped me too my right side & the delivering doctor was back to talk too me again.  Sheassured me everything was fine for the moment & that she had called in Dr. Lee, one of my OB's too assess me, the "situation" and assist if needed.  So in strolled Dr. Lee and he assessed me, JP, and the sitch.  His response?  "Emily, you're going to be just fine, you can do this."  And so I did.  The charge nurse wanted to do "just a couple practice pushes" to help not only JP descend just a little lower but to make sure I was pushing correctly, and I did so well with those that we just kept going!  45 exhausting minutes later with Amber & Marcia at my legs and Tim holding me up from the shoulders, our son emerged into this world, happy, healthy & none the worse for wear *except* for  a bit of a cone-head that I take *full* responsibility for.  It took me a while to get that big ol' thing out! *laugh* 

He was born at 3:38pm on Sept. 21st, one day shy of his full term due date.  He weighed 8lbs 8oz at birth and is 21" long.  He is perfect, and we are perfectly in love with him.  I can't wait to get him home and start living our new reality every single day.  Welcome to the world JP, welcome too the world < 3 

39weeks/1day!

Sitting at 39weeks/1day pregnant and Mr. JP is snug as a bug in a rug inside my tummy.  Yes, there is some dialation, and yes there is a lot of effacement, but he's content to keep hanging out in the mommy hotel (never mind the fact that the eviction notice HAS BEEN SERVED by the owner of the hotel herself ;), so I guess we'll let him *laugh* cause we don't really have much choice do we?

It's been interesting, though, too say the least.  Especially at this stage where everybody from family to friends to coworkers are watching me like I'm some sort of science experiment about ready to explode; which I guess in a way I am! ha!

Tim's about ready to freak out I think, and everyone's on guard.  I feel as if I'm the only one just sitting around like "doop-dee-doop, whatever", but I will admit I'll be one ticked off pregnant lady if I have to get up and go to work on Monday, so come on JP, let's hit it!  And let me acknowledge that I *fully* understand that technically he has one more week to go before his actual "due date", but when you're at the doctor and he puts his money on Sunday & the resident who checked you puts hers on Monday because they're both impressed by your level of effacement as a first time mom, you kinda get excited, especially when they follow it with "You won't make it too your due date".  

Soooo...we'll just sit around and wait till he decides to make his grand appearance into this world!  In the meantime I'll keep cleaning, Tim will keep doing house projects & hunting, and everyone will continue to watch me like I'm a ticking time bomb.

We're ready when you are, JP.  Come on out and greet the world.


 

 

You got an 8lb bowling ball in there? "Nesting", and other end of pregnancy thoughts...

38weeks, 8lb bowling ball

So we had our growth ultrasound last Thursday and everything is right on track.  He is "guesstimated" to be 8lbs right now and everyone looks at me with raised eyebrows and a "Oof" or a "Sheesh! That's one big baby!" when they hear that.  

Really?





Since when did an 8lb baby become BIG?  Is this like a size 4 woman being obese?  I mean

38weeks

really people.  For starters, the sonogram tech could be off.  I've had girlfriends who were told they were going to have an 8lb baby only to pop out a 5lber.  Then there are the women I've read about on the discussion board I frequent who are told their baby is a 6lber, only to pop out a large Thanksgiving turkey!  He will be whatever size he's going to be and I'm going to do my best to get him out the "old fashioned" way. *laugh*

Other than that we're just playing the waiting game.  I have 13 days to go until his anticipated arrival, and am hoping for him to come out in about 8 because my sister, Julie, is going to be here during that time and I just think it'd be *really* neat if she were able to be here for his birth.  Plus we'd get some really wicked cool newborn photos of him with her fancy schmancy camera ;) 

Then, yes, there is the whole comfort-level thing.  While I am uncomfortable as all get out right now, I will admit that the past couple of days haven't been that bad.  I've been feeling good, and gettin' around pretty well.  Sure, there's still the hip twinges down into my legs, the heartburn (which has lessened thank goodness), the heaviness in my nether-regions, and the overall "I'm ready to get him out!" sensation, but I'm good.  
 
I have taken some steps the past couple of days to make these last few weeks easier on me.  Namely going into Granite City on Friday to tell my manager's "It's been a pleasure; I'll see ya'll in November!"  *laugh*.  I REALLY thought I could make it to the 16th, but I just really think, instead, that stopping now is the better thing to do.  It's been wearing on me, deciding on what to do, and it just hit me on Friday.  "I don't want to work Sunday night at 38weeks, 2days pregnant".  Immediately proceeded by the thought of "I don't want to work the following Sunday at 39weeks, 2days pregnant, *especially* when my sister is in town specifically too see ME".  So, I went in and talked with Angie and just told her I couldn't do it, and she said basically not to worry about it, that she was impressed I'd made it this long, and to let them know when I was ready to come back.  So...yay!  Feels weird sitting here knowing I don't have to go to work this afternoon and that means I have the whole day spread out in front of me to get some more things done around the house :)

Speaking of that...I realize the "Nesting" instinct has kicked in, but for some reason that term really, and I mean *REALLY* irritates me.  I'm a naturally OCD personality when it comes to keeping my house clean & organized anyways, so *why* is it that ANY farking action I do right now has people simpering at me and using that term?  Some of the things I've done are crazy, I grant you that (organizing the recycling bins anyone?), and other things bring up the thought of "It's been sitting there for months so why move it now?", but the thing is that YES, I am trying to get all the last bits of organizing, de-cluttering, cleaning, and whatnot done before JP arrives.  Let's just think of a different term shall we?

The list for today...

Dog blankets washed
DOGS FURMINATED AND WASHED
Whole house swept fully and steam-mopped
All furniture rubbed down w/almond oil
Soft furniture Febreezed down
Bed stripped, both sets of sheets washed, bed remade
MY bathroom deep cleaned (Tim can take care of his own)
Plants re-potted (this is only a twice a year thing and it's time cause Fall is around the corner)
Laundry that has accumulated through the week washed, dried, and put away
Good-will drop off

I think that's it besides practicing w/the Moby wrap again, a nap, a hot bath and maybe some yoga or P57.  And while some people are looking at that and simpering at me saying "Oooo look!  She's nesting" *vomit*, I look at that list and say, "Yup, that's pretty much standard for a weekend/Sunday's worth of cleaning".  So, let's just say I'm getting ready for the baby and keeping my house at the same level of clean that I always do.

Now Tim?  He's getting some "get ready for baby" projects done as well and it's quite impressive.  He made an *executive decision* yesterday to rip the front porch apart and put it back together.  We've been dealing with it pulling apart and bouncing up, for lack of a better description, for a while now.  He tore it all up to find that the people who lived here before us had tried to anchor wood to CONCRETE, and as is evidenced by a lot of other half-a$$ed projects they did around our house, this one took the cake.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that concrete pad.  It's in perfect condition and once it's power-washed will look like new!  So now we have a great half concrete-pad, half wood deck in front of our house instead of what was a dilapated looking all wood deck half-a$$ed anchored to concrete.  He's also set up our laundry corner, moved tools out to the garage where they belong, straightened up his garage, and is going to help me install the car mirror and sun shades in my car today.  Plus, and he doesn't know this quite yet, he's going to wash the doggies for me this evening *laugh*.

So, all in all, we're getting ready for Mr. JP to make his arrival into our world and change our life forever.  We just need to buy his swing later this week, wait for Aunt Julie to get here, take some pictures, and relax as best as we can!  Whoop! Whoop!